Friday, December 08, 2006

God B/W I Want to Hold Your Hand

In memory of John Lennon: October 9, 1940 - December 8, 1980.

I was 15 when he died, and I'd been a Beatles fan for maybe 6 months.

Teachers at my school thought I'd be one of the ones who killed themselves at the news of Lennon's death. I thank them for their concern. They were partially right---it hurt in an awful, weird way that I'd never even come close to experiencing before. I remember, a day or two after his death, standing outside waiting for the school-bus, then getting on it and riding along, looking out of frosted bus-windows...The sky utterly, crystalline blue, and nothing around me having anything to do with me or with anything. It was sad but it was also pure. Me removed from everything around me except for how the sky looked and how the bus-windows frosted over and how someone whose voice, via his lyrics, had spoken to me truly ("God is a concept/by which we measure our pain") was now dead and I'd never hear another thing from him again.

I was 15, and that's how I wanted to communicate. I was in love with one girl in my senior year of high school who would talk to me like that. I thought college would bring on a world of people who all talked like that (hah! no one, even professors, did). And as life has gone on, I can't find anyone else who says things in a real way. My friend Kathy for a while. And then Julie, but that's it. I'm reminded of the film "The Hours," when Meryl Streep's character talks about a moment she experienced as a young woman... How utterly intense and meaningful it was...and at that time she thought it was the beginning of a whole series of moments that would only rise and peak in intensity and profundity as years went on... But as she looks back 20 years later, realizes...THAT was the peak. Nothing since had ever equalled that, and nothing probably ever would. How do you go on after that? If you'd asked me that 5 years ago, I'd have said, "You CAN'T go on!" But now, at 41, I guess the reality of it is, "You do go on. You just trudge on." Being alive is something nice, that I personally have taken for granted. I don't have any sort of true love, but I like my 4-year-old nephew a lot (he always asks that I sit right next to him at family gatherings, which makes me feel happy). I also look forward to working on my Joan Crawford website most evenings. And I like looking at Lindsay Lohan...I think that famous people hold the place for you while you're in limbo, reminding you of the real feelings that might be waiting...

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help...

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down...


Anonymous said...

i wish i was alive when john lennon or joan crawford was.

Kelsey said...

wow yeah i wore all black on john lennons deathday. that was a sad day. i wish i was alive when john lennon was. by the way i LOVE your joan crawford website, it is wonderful, i am on it like every hour.