Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Class Dismissed

"...you are a stalking, relentless psychobitch. SIX YEARS - you are fucking
CRAZY!! And what the hell happened to your pride, begging me to "come
back to you" time and time again when I have made it explicitly clear
that I would never ever consider having sex with you, let alone meet
you. You'll never be happy with anyone. Accept that - and move on,
all by yourself. Masturbation is your best option. Now, class is
dismissed - run along!"

The person who wrote the above today has been writing similar things to me for months now. In between are nice things. She can be sweet on occasion.

The thing is, I haven't been "stalking." I've been writing on this blog, some things about her, and she's been coming here to read them. Way back when, 2001 or so, we were close via the Internet... but she was/is transgendered and confused. I was attracted to her and she first was and then was not attracted to me. At whatever stage she was at, I said "fine": We can be lovers, or we can be friends, whichever. I liked her mind, trite as that sounds. (Though I sincerely doubt that I ever "begged her to come back to me"! She was never sufficiently THERE to begin with.)

About a week ago, before I ever read the above message from her, I had an epiphany about her: "She will never make you happy." I'd liked her for so long and I'd been making excuses for her behavior constantly. And then that "She will never make you happy." Because she doesn't want to. I'm fully capable of seeing how someone IS, and fully willing to make allowances for them... I'd tried to paint Julie in my mind as just shy or withdrawn... But, no. She's extremely aggressive when it comes to calling teenaged boys on the phone or coming on to Internet Ayn Rand-worshipers... It's bizarre to witness. And I witnessed for years, wondering what was wrong with me.

As I said: About a week ago, I had a revelation of sorts, to the effect that, however much I liked her or however much she'd make appearances in my life every now and then, she'd never BE THERE for me. I think, perhaps, that it takes huge life experiences to bring such a lesson home. I'm about to move from Austin to NYC and have been desperately flailing around for support from whatever quarters... Julie hasn't been there for me. I think I got one message from her on this blog: "They'll eat you alive" RE my moving there. Which reminded me of something my mother would say.

It's never as simple as, "Oh, what a creep." I loved how her mind worked. And for a time we e-mailed each other up to 50 times daily. I got hooked on the nice aspects of being close with her. But the fact is... she doesn't want me. She wants boys who don't want her. There's nothing I can do about that. Except perhaps to read Sartre and try to glean some comfort from the fact that someone else once felt the same way.

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