Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Sweet Dreams and BBs

I was REALLY upset after arguing with someone last Sunday.

I finally went to bed at 6am and just lay there, running on the rims after too much beer and too many cigarettes and no food and being on the Internet writing angry things and feeling angry for 12 hours straight. Staring at the wall and asking god to "please help me" over and over and over and over again. I wasn't asking god to let me and the other person get along.(We simply DON'T get along. God gave us a shot 23 years ago; God gave us a second shot over the past 9 months. The answer to "us" is simply "no.") Just was begging for some peace of mind so I could possibly get to sleep and somehow, magically be granted a sense of how things might ever get back to normal for me emotionally.

I haven't been dreaming much recently, for months and months in fact, but that night had a series of 4 brief, very vivid, mainly HAPPY dreams.

Well, the first one started out "a bit" badly: I had a gun in my hand and it started going off rapidly. I ended up shooting myself 6 or 7 times! (By accident!) But they were little round pellets, like BBs, so they just lodged in my skin and I didn't feel they were in danger of killing me. One lodged on the inside of my right elbow (near a major artery! that one I was worried about!) One in my right hip. One or two in my right hand. Three in my right foot.

My mom happened to be in the house with me, so I went looking for her, showing her what had happened: "Mom, can you take me to the hospital?" Now, for the past few years, whenever I've dreamed about my mom, we've been screaming at each other, every time, and I'd wake up feeling extremely angry and tense. This time, though, everything was calm between us as she led me outside to the car. Turns out that paramedics, maybe 3 trucks, were already parked out in the driveway. They were chatting amongst themselves, and I asked them if they could help get the bullets out. They said sure, but weren't too quick about it! But I was still calm, asking them if they could please hurry. One woman saw a spot on my heel and sliced it: That wasn't a bullet! I asked her to be more careful and pointed out exactly where they all were.

I was at an outdoor stage where Sarah Palin was about to speak. She walked right by me in front of the stage, and I got up the nerve to go shake her hand and awkwardly tell her I admired her. She said a quick "thanks, thanks" and walked away. But later, she came and moved a folding chair right next to where I was sitting out in the audience and we started chatting and laughing. I remember how close she was sitting to me (I could see how her makeup was applied and smell her perfume and hair), and how physically comforting her presence was, and how I felt she liked me.

I was at someone's beach house, on a deck outdoors, with stairs leading down to the beach. And my cat Gracie appeared! I was calling to her, but she was just moseying around, doing her own thing, intentionally not paying attention to me. She walked up and down the deck stairs a few times. I finally followed her down to the beach and walked over to another deck right next door, asking her, "Are you coming?" And I heard her voice answer me, "No!" Not in a weird, sad, "I'm dead and can't come" way, but just in a normal, "No! Because I'm sassy" way. And then, half-dreaming, felt her jump on my bed with me.

I saw myself walking down a Manhattan street near Times Square. I was behind me, and I was getting off work and was dressed really nicely in a red-leather blazer and adjusting a wide black patent-leather belt.


Thanks, god! :)

Seriously, after all the bad emotional shit that had gone down just hours earlier, these dreams were really a blessing, a real healing treat! How many more nice things could have happened? (Well, aside from all the bullet-holes!) My mom and I were getting along, Sarah Palin wanted to sit close to me, I had my cat back, and I had a job in Manhattan and was wearing nice clothes!

Dang! :) Thankyouthankyouthankyou for watching out for me.

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