Monday, August 31, 2009

Who am I really mad at?

A couple of days ago I posted an extremely vitriolic message to my father here. Saying, basically, "you were mean to me when I was a kid" and giving examples. True, he was very mean. But I've got to post an addendum: My father, after his 15-year marriage to my mother, went on to get sober and not be so mean. In my original message days ago, I asked him to apologize. Truthfully, I believe he needs to. But still... the man's nearly 70 now. He's a nicer person now, and he's been a nicer person for a long time. He should get a break.

After I posted my mean message days ago, I was embarrassed. I had been angry and drunk the night that I posted the message. I meant what I said, yes, but... does everything need to be said so publicly? to what purpose? to hurt someone circa 1976?

As I lay around in bed, depressed, after posting my anti-daddy message, I started to ponder: I may be angry at my parents and my childhood, but... I'm still darn angry at Sandra for HER rejection. Everything's not all about what you experienced when you were 5 or 10 or 15. Sometimes things are completely up to date.

Got this message from Sandra a day or so ago, after she'd read my anti-dad diatribe:
"finally the truth starts coming out, and the source of all the rage. LET IT FLOW.....on and on...till you get it all out."

I dunno that letting all of my childhood angst flow is the answer. Doesn't solve at all my anger at Sandra's sleeping with her maintenance man, or with an old guy in her building, for instance. Those things have nothing at all to do with my father, and everything to do with Sandra.

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