Thursday, October 22, 2009

People can be nice

Thanks to "JH" for sending the below message to this blog. (She'd written in response to an angry post of a couple of days ago that I've now deleted.)

"I have kept up w/your blog since your big move. While NYC is a wonderful place, (I live in TX and visit NYC twice a year) it has changed you. You used to sound happier, even when you were bitching about people. You now sound so miserable and depressed.

Based on your writing, I am sure you have a lot of lovely qualities. You need to get back to where you were. Beautiful city or not, you aren't the same person as when you moved there. I really wish I could help as it is difficult sometimes to read. You need to get out and make new friends that aren't associated w/your past. If someone writes something scathing, you need to get past it. It only makes your heart heavier.

I wish you the best and I hope you are able to go back to work soon.

Concerned stranger"

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This is really a kind thing to send along.

And it did make me think, "HAS NYC changed me for the worse? AM I a different, more miserable person?" (I especially liked: "You used to sound happier, even when you were bitching about people.") :)

I can't really agree that it's NYC that's making me miserable, though. There's a general sense of exhilaration in the city that I really enjoy being around. And I like the people in general and the weather specifically much better.

It's just...
(1) the damn economy! Not having income, being in that limbo, is scary and depressing. I can't go anywhere, I can't buy anything. It's basically a life of watching TV, being on the computer, and walking around. Which gets old after a month or so.
And (2) I think, JH, that you did have a good point about making new friends not associated with my past. Sandra, the woman I've been bitching about for the past year, is definitely associated with a very bad time in my past: when I was 20, not yet out of the closet, secretly in love with her back then... And then she "shows back up" in my life 23 years later, sometimes really into me, sometimes "hating gay women." All of the emotional shit that I've been through with her over the past year hearkened me right back to when I was a miserable, closeted 20-year-old. Not to mention pulling me emotionally back to Texas, where I don't want to physically be any longer. I've been unable to concentrate fully on my life up here -- where I do physically want to be -- because I've been constantly thinking about her in Texas.

This past year has been really, really hard. Wish me luck with finding a job up here. That's going to solve a whole lot of mental problems.

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