Tuesday, March 23, 2010

LMBWISB (let me be where i should be)

My made-up prayer. I think it's fair. "Let Me Be Where I Should Be."

You can't ask God/The Fates/the Unifying Force for anything in particular. All of history has taught us this, for sure! All you can ask: "Let me be where I should be." And then go along with it and, more harshly, get on with it because it's half the chance cards you were dealt and half the result of your own wishes.

Me in NYC? I've been here for 3 years. I've had to go through 3 major job searches. The first 2 cycles, I gave it my all. The last? By May of '09, when my last full-time project stint was over, I was, honestly, more concerned with moping about Sandra. I was still sending out resumes, and...also starting to get pissed off at the lack of responses. And when a semi-regular temp gig at a major company became available in June of '09 (sometimes 8 hours a week, sometimes 57), I put faith in that, thought it would lead to something permanent, got lazy about actively pursuing other options. Needless to say: No regular offer was forthcoming (either from Sandra or from the financial company!) :)

I just got bored and depressed and irritated with all of the trying to look for work. Whatever company I did do regular work for in the last 3 years praised me. I knew my work was good. After a while, I just got mightily sick of being told I was good/knowing I was good, but still getting let go after 8 or 6 months because whatever company was shutting down for months, or had a rule about keeping temp workers after 6 months, or didn't have the funds to make me a regular employee, or what have you.

It all became ridiculous. As was the pay. The major financial company I've been working for since June? $21 an hour. (I made $20 back in Austin, where my rent was $825 as opposed to $1550 here.)

Hate to admit that New York is for either the rich or the young, but... it's for either the rich or the young! (Entry-level publishing jobs pay under $30,000 a year. Thus, for the young rich local English-majors who either still live with their parents, or whose parents pay their city rent. For the young, also, if you're willing to have obnoxious roommates and/or live in a single room... At 44, I'm too old for that crap! I need a larger space than a 12 x 12 room. And, at my age, I don't want -- at all -- to have to deal with a stranger's weird habits/psychoses.)

Or for those with rent-controlled apartments. Or those whose family lives in a cheap house in Queens and are just commuting to The City. I didn't move here to live in Queens or the Bronx.

All of the constant stress got old. AND I was moping about Miss Sandra, in Houston. So I only tried 85% to stay here, as opposed to the 100% I could have tried. If someone had offered me a job that paid more than $40,000 a year (really -- I have a Master's degree, is $40,000 too much to ask? please), I would have taken it and stayed here in a heartbeat. But... that didn't happen.

"Let me be where I should be." End of Youthful Dream, Beginning of Reality? Yeah, I think so. Maybe now, home to get settled, situated, buy a house now that I'm 44... I tried for something I'd always wanted since I was a teenager. I'm disappointed that it didn't work out. But I'm also happy that I learned about the area. That was always part of it. Learning what this part of the country was all about. NYC (specifically, Manhattan) was/is gorgeous, but definitely not the artistic/spiritual Mecca that I'd naively hoped for! :) Now... back to Austin. I need to get myself situated, financially, mentally, emotionally. (After these last 3 years of poverty and loneliness and fearfulness, I've learned a new respect for "getting situated...")

And we'll see if Sandra will speak to me once I'm back in Texas... (Hi, Honey!) :)

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