Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Role Model

I was feeling the lowest of the low over the past week following July 4th, hooking into the bad vibes of a woman that I loved who didn't want me, then lying around reading Plath, Sexton, plus "The Executioner's Song" (about killer Gary Gilmore, by Norman Mailer), and then an account of Gary Gilmore's awful childhood by his brother, Mikal.

Plath, Sexton, Mikal Gilmore's accounts are all profound and legitimate. I do feel their pain, too much.

It's just that I am not ready to die just yet. I'm curious about other things, still. I WANT other things, still.

Plath was hooked into the very cosmos, yet she killed herself over a man. Sexton killed herself because she was middle-aged and she'd divorced her husband of 20 years and didn't have a man who was in tune with her. Gary Gilmore shot two men because his 20-year-old girlfriend had dumped him. While I've been mightily upset over lovers in the past, I've never been THAT distraught over a lover...distraught enough to be depressed, but never distraught enough to die.

I was reading and reading all of that misery while lying in bed moping and identifying. A little light finally went off: What the fuck is your website all about? WHO is your website all about? And WHY is it about her?

Ultimately, Joan Crawford is like a clear drink of water.

She struggled up through the darkness and darkest, even when she was a kid and had to sleep with assholes and fight against her mother's hatred to make it through. (By age 24, though, she was making her own money, and would do so throughout the rest of her life.) Even after she'd made it, she was counted out time and time again, and had to keep fighting and fighting and fighting, up until the very end.

When I was lying around moping this past week, I eventually started to think of Joan, and the website I'd devoted to her. Why the fuck did I ever work on a website about her if I didn't believe in what she stood for?

In the past 23 years that I've been interested in her, I've NEVER been depressed when I've thought about Joan Crawford or looked to her for inspiration. NEVER. I'm amazed when I think about that. NEVER has she failed me. She's goddamn amazing.

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