Sunday, July 25, 2010

What a difference a day makes

Wow, did I just say "fuck you" to God?

Mighty bold. I guess I meant it at the time, but I guess I don't REALLY mean it. Sorry, God.

I have been moping around the apt. for over 3 weeks now, doing little but watching continual TV and getting on the Internet every other day or so. My mom has a pool in her subdivision and I love to swim and sun, but my attitude has been that I'll be damned if I call her for anything. I am still SOOOOO angry at her for the way she treated me when I lived with her. I still feel poisoned by it.

But I guess that, too, shall pass. Like today, my anger at my brother/sis-in-law passed when they called to invite me over for dinner. How nice it is to be invited somewhere! And to just hang out for several hours and eat, drink, and chat. To feel like a normal person instead of like a fucking pariah. (AMC has been running "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and "The Shining" all weekend, which I've been watching multiple times. Not good for the mood!) :)

As I mentioned below, I'd had one beef with the bro's family for not inviting me over to watch the World Cup games at several parties that they hosted. When I went over tonight, they still had their World Cup country flags hanging around the house. Which gave me a non-argumentative opening: "Oh, I wish you had invited me over to watch with you! That would have been fun!" Their mutual, honest response: "Were you interested in watching? Oh my gosh! We didn't know you even liked soccer! We would have called you!" Me: "[sigh] Yeah, I watched the games by myself." More sincere apologies. Whew. The air is now cleared on that one. And I was also able to admit to them that I'd been totally isolated since I'd been back in Austin, that it was so great to be invited to dinner, to be around people again... It felt good to be emotionally honest and to just come out and say, "Hey, I'm extremely lonely. Invite me over more often, wouldja??"

So, one emotional weight has been lifted. My birthday's in a couple of weeks, so I'm guessing that I'll see my mom then and a bit of the poison will have dissipated by then, then more still as more time goes by. It is emotionally draining and harmful to your self to keep dwelling on hatred and hurt and anger, even if the cause for hate and the hurt and anger are real.

(And let me reiterate: Do NOT watch "The Shining" and/or "Cuckoo's Nest" if you're trying to get yourself out of a funk! Though 1956's "Miracle in the Rain" was one good one that I saw today! It was so corny, but I nonetheless cried and cried...the redemptive power of love! I kept hoping that Van Johnson would come home after the war, after all!) :)

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