Thursday, January 20, 2011

"Vampyre Inspired"

OMG. This is funny and sad at the same time.

Last time I saw/slept with my first girlfriend (whom I had met in '89) was in 2000, when we were making a couple of more desultory efforts at getting back together after 9 years. At our last meeting, we didn't have a particularly great or a terrible time; no fights, just kind of "blah." My obsession was over. I never spoke to her or saw her again after that. Life went on.

Every couple of years I might, when extremely bored late at night, do a search for her on the Internet just to see what had become of her. She had barely an Internet presence: no Facebook page, no MySpace, nothing. Shallowly, I felt bad for her. In 2000, I hadn't found her that attractive any more; thought she was getting fat, for one thing. By now, 2011, she's pushing 60 (someone I once dated is nearly 60!), I thought, so I guess she's settled down, doesn't do her poetry "events" any more, just goes to work and comes home to a lonely, small apartment on Riverside Drive (generic area of Austin with lots of megacomplexes, home to many college students and working poor)...

Well, last night I came upon this photo of her from this past summer... Turns out she's still doing those horrible "Vampyre" poetry readings of hers that she was so into back in '89! Gawd, when I first met her (like, the first month or two only), I thought all of that vampire stuff was cool and erotic. And the crowd she hung around with was also cool and erotic to me at the time; she was 36 then, but all of her "gang" was around 18 or 19. (I, at 23, felt old, since she made it clear that her preference was for teenaged girls.)

She'd have what she pretentiously called "salons" at her (Riverside) apt. once a week; she'd do vampire-themed poetry readings around town every month or so; she even had a half-hour vampire-themed video that was then showing on local cable (starring herself as the vampire-aggressor who eventually gets bitten/sexually seduced by a 16-year-old "innocent" blonde). I was definitely impressed with all of the goings-on. The vibe around her and her friends was definitely sexy and dark, which I liked and had only fantasized about before.

So it was interesting -- at first. The thing is, almost everyone, attractive as they were, was pretty stupid, and the "work" they were putting out was pretty bad. My ex's poetry was terrible. Her artwork also very simplistic and bad. (Not simplistic in a "folk art" way, where there's underlying thought below the basic surface... There was just no thought whatsoever.) Same with that video -- a trite theme that could have been erotic, a la the style of her idol Anne Rice, but done so clunkily that I kind of had to grit my teeth when I smiled and told her (with multiple viewings), "Wow! That's really good. You look hot!"

I found myself gritting my teeth a lot. Once, during a poetry reading at a nightclub, I thought she was embarrassing herself mightily and was completely amazed to see all of her teen punk friends, and a few strangers, fawn all over her. I remember wondering if I was crazy -- was I missing something?? (Luckily for my sanity, one hippie-looking chick standing next to me said, after a few minutes of the reading, "What IS this stupid shit?" before she walked away. Which was exactly what I was thinking.)

So on that went for a couple of years. Her giving off a sexy vibe and doing exciting things that attracted me (and plenty of others) and kept me around, but also kept me bored to the point of screaming with her, and her friends', complete lack of corresponding intelligence. And, on the other side of the coin, I just wasn't sexy enough for her. Part of it was her fetish for teenagers. But more of it was because I just couldn't, with a straight face, continue to act in the submissive role that she required. I mean, I bought the dog collars, the handcuff-belts, the thumb-cuffs, what have you; I got as punked-up and sexed-up as I could every time we went out, and even every time we just sat home and watched movies. I initially thought the role-playing was interesting, and a challenge: She'd had literally hundreds of lovers, while she was my very first, so I wanted to please...

Here's one prime example of the different angles we were coming from, though: I'd read about a movie called "Marat/Sade," about the Marquis de Sade's experiences in a mental hospital. Both de Sade and mental hospitals are interesting themes to me, and since de Sade wrote some of the most basic sadistic sexual texts and my ex was into S/M, I thought it would be the PERFECT movie to watch... Wrong! :) I thought the movie was very interesting intellectually: the aristocratic de Sade, labelled a lunatic for his ideas and practices, forced to make his way among the lower-class inmates. My ex, though, started yawning after about 15 minutes and we had to turn it off (probably to watch a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie).

I thought that, in a nutshell, was where she and I simply didn't mesh. (Oh, and the fact that she owned just two books: One on Scientology and -- surprise! -- "Lolita." Though I don't think she had an appreciation of Nabokov's writing!) And one other thing: In that video that I mentioned above, the initial vampire aggressor is eventually tamed by the young, innocent ingenue... And my ex once said to me, in a moment of passion, "You can control me..." That's a heady thought and, really, a lovely, giving thing to say. Ties in completely with the "Lolita" theme, too. She was revealing her true psyche.

Only... In my own psyche, I don't have the "secret" need to dominate. I love cats and their personalities. But... personality-wise, myself, I'm pretty much a dog! :) ("I like you, I love you, pay attention to me!") If I feel like barking obnoxiously, I bark, despite how unsexy that is! I'm not too much of a wily, game-playing character.

And so, we didn't work. And so I just found this picture, taken last summer. My 58-year-old ex, not sitting at home aging alone at all, but rather out doing yet another "Vampyre Inspired" poetry reading, still accompanied by a couple of young punk girls! (I have no idea who the girls are, but the poses in the picture reminded me EXACTLY of the dynamic 20 years ago -- that would be me on the left, looking miffed while my ex checks out another girl's tits!) :)

Oh lordy. :) Good for her. Good for her. (While I will always dislike nearly everything about her mind, I will always like her hands.)

Here are two songs that represent the soundtrack of my misery with her. "Joey" from Concrete Blonde's "Bloodletting" (released May 1990) and "Policy of Truth" from Depeche Mode's "Violator" (March 1990). Practically the only two CDs I listened to in the Suicide Hotline Summer of 1990.

Joey, baby - don't get crazy
Detours. Fences... I get defensive
I know you've heard it all before -
so I don't say it anymore
I just stand by and let you
fight your secret war.
And though I used to wonder why -
I used to cry till I was dry.
Still sometimes I get a strange pain
Oh, Joey, if you're hurting so am I.

Joey, honey - I got the money
All is forgiven. Listen, listen
And if I seem to be confused
I didn't mean to be with you.
And when you said I scared you,
well I guess you scared me too.
But we got lucky once before
And I don't wanna close the door
And if you're somewhere out there
passed out on the floor.
Oh Joey, I'm not angry anymore.

And if I seem to be confused
I didn't mean to be with you.
And when you said I scared you,
well I guess you scared me too.
Well if its love you're looking for
Then i can give a little more
And if you're somewhere drunk and
passed out on the floor.
Oh Joey, I'm not angry anymore.

You had something to hide
Should have hidden it, shouldn't you
Now you're not satisfied
With what you're being put through

It's just time to pay the price
For not listening to advice
And deciding in your youth
On the policy of truth

Things could be so different now
It used to be so civilized
You will always wonder how
It could have been if you'd only lied

It's too late to change events
It's time to face the consequence
For delivering the proof
In the policy of truth

Never again
Is what you swore
The time before
Never again
Is what you swore
The time before

Now you're standing there tongue tied
You'd better learn your lesson well
Hide what you have to hide
And tell what you have to tell
You'll see your problems multiplied
If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue
The policy of truth

No comments: