Well, this certainly has been a year of doing nothing but treading water!
I was just looking over old blog entries for December of last year... There was stuff in late 2010 like, "Woooo! I just earned enough money for January and February rent!" (Exactly like I just posted a few days ago.) There was stuff last year about not having anywhere to go for Christmas Day itself, since we were having our celebration on Christmas Eve before my bro/wife/boys all went to Houston for her family on Christmas Day. (Same again this year.) There were gripes about a relationship that wouldn't work out. (Same again this year.)
At least last year, though, I was finding some holiday "sparkle" in shopping at Marshall's (with the store's perky Christmas songs). When I went to Marshall's yesterday, there was no music at all! And when I took a bus to downtown Austin this afternoon-into-evening, there were no Christmas lights on Congress Avenue! What the hell, people? Is everyone THAT poor that they can't afford even piped-in Christmas music or lights on the main street of Austin? Come on!
I also don't even have any mildly humorous stories about dilapidated Christmas lights from my mother... This year, just put up the old dollar-store wreath and ribbons that I bought last year. Ho-ho-hum.
Last year's Christmas o' 2010, and the weeks leading up to it, were, for me I guess, semi-worth commenting on because it was my first Christmas back in Austin, after being forced back against my will in March 2010 for financial reasons. I wanted to note the adjustments. But this year, 2011, has just been more of the same crap! Not just Christmas, but everything! A few moments of excitement with work gigs that paid the rent momentarily, but nothing else. No new love, no new creative projects, no new full-time job to enable me to get out of this one room. Like I said, just treading water. Not sinking, thank god, but... dang. This one-room life was kind of interesting for the first 6 months (how I used to live 25 years ago as a student...how would I cope at 45?), but is quite a drag at this point! Doable, but boring!
Next yearly milestone up: New Year's Eve! Last year, spent it lying on my bed flipping between Anderson Cooper on CNN and Andy Cohen on Bravo. Not horribly depressed, just horribly BORED. And vowing then that the next New Year's Eve would be NOTHING like 2010... Ha! I'm pretty sure it's going to be exactly the same! ;p Sigh.
I know there's plenty to learn from being humble. But... I used to be better than this. "Better" meaning, I used to almost constantly have some kind of forward motion, SOME momentum, in my life.
Yes, yes, I get it: Better learn to be "content" with what I have, however stagnant. What I've learned over the past year: I can find stuff to appreciate in Austin: the library, downtown, going to the grocery store, working UT games, buying new socks, the trees outside the window of my one-room apartment. And I appreciate the sporadic jobs.
I GET IT. Can I move back ON now????????????????? I'm sure that outburst is not how it works, but...
Universe, I ain't gonna lie (as all the shirtless, mulleted males say on "Cops" as they're hauled away): I's bored to death with the high point of my day being a transient on a bus telling me I'm pretty after I've shopped at Marshall's for a 3-pack of new socks and am in the process of bussing home to write about it (the socks AND the transient) on my blog. Really now, Universe! Can I get a break and just move ON from this particular "life lesson"? Frankly, socks-n-stuff have grown quite stale.
How 'bout surprising me with something fresh-n-new? (I'm referring to "love" and "a decent job" as opposed to "cancer" and "death," in case you were wondering what "fresh-n-new" meant to me, Universe.)