Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Sinead O'Connor's recipe for love

Just heard on Fox News (of all places!) that Sinead O'Connor has just divorced her 3rd or 4th husband (or something) after 16 or 18 (or something) days. This in light of her recent September 2011 call for a fuck on her website:


16.09.11 Revised advert for boy (man) friend.

Having at first in humour used words like "hump" , "banana", "yam, "aubergine" and "difficult brown" when advertising to find boy (man) friend I have attracted only the type of men I might catch crabs from even purely by e mailing them, so I now wish to make a clearer advert concerning exactly what it is I seek.

1. A man not under 44. NON-NEGOTIABLE

2. Has to live in Ireland. NON-NEGOTIABLE.

3. Preferably Dublin or Wicklow but other counties will be considered due to appalling desperateness of shit-uation.

4 Has to actually be single. NON-NE-FUCKING-GOTIABLE

5. Preferably sterile. (The lady doesn't want any more pregnancies)

6. VERY physically affectionate. NON-NEGOTIABLE (the lady needs lots of affection and will reciprocate. The lady HAS a lot of affection and wishes to give it)

7. Funny. (The lady is funny)

8. Eccentric. (The lady is a looper)

9. Interested in and capable of sex at least once a day.. (If the lady feels like it).

10. Sexually must be very loving, cuddly, affectionate, sweet, funny, and also reasonably filthy. (The lady is all of the above and will absolutely reciprocate)

11. There must be a LOT of kissing before during and after love-making (The lady likes kissing).

12.. Must provide me with Fry's chocolate cream bars (NOT a euphemism for anal sex) at least once a week and do all he can to ensure the Fry's people never go out of business. (The lady loves Fry's chocolate creams. Crunchies, peanut m+ms, and chili-chocolate may be substituted if Fry's are sold out)

13. Re-iterate.. Has to be blind/mad enough to think I'm gorgeous.

14. Has tell me I'm gorgeous at least ten times a day. (The lady will reciprocate)

15. Re-iterate.. No Nigels. NON-NEGOTIABLE

16. Re-iterate.. No hair gel. Hair dryers, or general hair faffery. NON-NEGOTIABLE

17. Must be hairy. No waxed or buffed need apply. NON-NEGOTIABLE. ( bald heads are however, acceptable as the whole man looks like an erection. Especially if a tiny 'eye' is painted on top of head)

18. Must be stubbly. ABSOLUTELY NON-NE-FUCKING-GOTIABLE

19. No after-shave. This ruins the delicious smell of stubble. (The lady LOVES stubbly man-smell and beard rash)

20. Must be employed NON-NEGOTIABLE. Re-iterate.. No vehicle clampers.

21. No pierced nipples.

22 No addictions other than sex, cigarettes or coffee (the lady loves all three)

23. No jealous psycho exes NON-NEGOTIABLE (the lady has had enough of those)

24. No homo-phobes. NON-NE-FUCKING-GOTIABLE

25. No 'right-wingers' of any kind.

26. No accountants (boring)

27. No stamp collectors (flaccid)

28. No Knob-cheese.

29. Must, when lady is 'moody' or 'cross' dis-arm her with love-making. This is the secret key.

In return, the lucky man chosen will be given the vast quantities of love, affection, kisses, cuddles, sweet-nothings whispered in ears, friendship, support, encouragement, compliments, and most importantly, regular sweet and filthy, loving sex.

The lady is a woman FULL to the brim of love and affection. And un-happy at not having a man to give it to. So if u are out there please hurry. I'm lovely. U want me. U deserve me. I'm worth it. Oh.. And I smell really good too. And am a CHAMPION cuddler and giver of tenderness.

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Despite all of the sad above... When Sinead O'Connor first came out in the '80s, she was startling and wild and interesting. What's happened to her in the meantime--marrying multiple times and having multiple kids and now begging for dates--is embarrassing and a shame. Here's how she was when I knew her, bringing her real, inspirational self to the self-satisfied Grammys in 1989. (She certainly ain't so inspirational 20 years later!):

1 comment:

Beth Austin said...

Upon re-reading the above Sinead list: Who, really, likes "fey" and "cutesy"? Especially guys.