Thursday, January 31, 2013

It's finally official. I'm now THE...

...BIGGEST LOSER IN THE WORLD! arrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhh

The other office-lady got the job and starts Monday. Tomorrow's my last day.

So much for my dreams of health-care and vacation pay and saving $1000 a month and buying a car and getting a nicer place to live when my lease is up 12 months from now! So much for really enjoying being downtown during the day and being able to walk to the library or drugstore or bank during my lunch hour.

Back to the worrying about money? Well, not immediately. Got a stash to live on for the next 4 months even sans any employment whatsoever. And, luck of luck, a couple of weeks ago I signed a 4-month contract for freelance work with a publishing company I've had a long relationship with, for double what I've been making an hour at this office. So THAT money is going to be helpful, and now I can work for many more hours per week than the 15 I originally said I could do when I was also working 8-5 each day...

But STILL. Dammit. I didn't LOVE doing secretarial stuff, but I'd thought FOR SURE I'd get the job and use the next year to two years as a "recharging" period: Getting every health checkup that I've not had since 2006. Getting a car. Taking a paid vacation or two. Having the safety net there, and a schedule, and pleasant people to chat with every day... all good for my overall mental health, even if I wasn't at all mentally/creatively stimulated by the work... The possibility of having all of that felt like a step FORWARD from the uncertainty I've lived with since I moved to NYC back in early '07. SIX YEARS of nervousness! I was hoping for a year/two-year BREAK, where I could just rest easy for a bit and enjoy my life instead of having to keep up the mentally draining job-search struggle... UGH.

Oh-fuckin'-well.

I cried like my heart was broken yesterday, but today when I got the official (not just 2nd-hand e-mail) news, there was also a sense of calmness: At least SOMETHING was decided with this particular job. No more mental limbo, no more false dreams about what I was going to do with all that money. And, honestly--not just trying to pick myself up--I really, REALLY did not like the drab, mind-numbing minutiae of arranging meetings/hotels/rental cars/reimbursements for people. Yes, a part of me is very anal and good at that kind of thing (which is why I still think I should have gotten this job--I was doing well at it!)... but it really was mentally draining for me in its tediousness. As was constantly having to make bright-n-cheery comments to every person who got on/off the elevator. (That's one thing I always liked about working for both libraries and publishing companies: You're primarily left alone to do your own work-thing, without having to shuffle-and-jive the whole day long!)

I could say: "My not getting this job was meant to be! It's fate! I was obviously meant to now go write my great screenplay about Theodora or [insert whatever else here]." Right now I don't feel much of anything even hinting at "greater things to come"; I just feel rejected by people I've been around every day for 4 months, and I feel worn out with the whole "temp life" that I've been living for 6 years. Like I said earlier, I was just hoping for a brief respite from all of the uncertainty...

Again, "oh well."

And, as always, per Tennessee Williams: EN AVANT!

Ya play the goddamn cards you're dealt. (A side-note: Interesting to me how religions have always had desperate, frantic strictures against gambling. The key to the psychological power of religions is promising that "Everything has an order to it; all will be well if you just behave like [the powers-that-be tell you to act]." Gambling is the very antithesis of that utterly false, simplistic view. And is the very nature of life itself: a little bit of smarts, a little bit of being sensitively in tune with underlying "vibrations" that unite everything, and a whole lot of dumb luck, or lack of it. There's very little "order" to it whatsoever, unless you intentionally drain it of its natural vitality for safety's sake.)

No comments: