Tuesday, July 30, 2013

In the "Get a Life" department

Fucking Loser at Movie All By Himself

...According to witnesses, the depressing loser, who was the youngest person at the matinee screening by a good 30 years, shifted in his seat as the movie began, got comfortable, and began sipping his soft drink and eating his popcorn, later saying that he likes to eat candy first and popcorn second so that the popcorn lasts through most of the film.

The man also took care to shut off his cell phone and place it in the backpack on the seat next to his, which, witnesses confirmed, made it seem as if his backpack was his closest friend.

The sad sack then watched the two-hour action-comedy all by himself, giggling at several Bruce Willis lines, but for the most part staring blankly at the movie screen. When the closing credits began to roll, the man grabbed his backpack and was the first one to leave the theater.

“It was okay,” the man, who has reportedly reached an old enough age where it’s not inconceivable that he’ll be alone all his life, said. “Nothing special.”

At press time, the heartbreaking loser had entered his apartment, sat on his couch, sighed, and turned on his television.

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