Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Jungry Like the Wolf

I'm decidedly not New Age-y (having no problem at all with the "archaic" concepts of  "competition" and "merit") and have never given much thought to "animal totems" or anything similar (except maybe when contemplating some of Ted Hughes's poetry and HIS exploration of animal totems). But early this morning I had a discomfiting dream in which a, specifically, white wolf played a part at the end.

I was in a big building where various groupings of people had supposedly separate living quarters, except there weren't any doors, and people kept milling about in other people's areas. I shared an area with 3 or so other girls and was trying to get some clothes together so I could go take a shower and get ready to go to a class (taught by, yes, Sandra). I REALLY felt the need for some privacy, but people from other rooms kept coming into mine/ours. And, worse, they kept coming up to me and telling me that they didn't like me! Which was merely annoying at first, but then I started to get panicky about it since the vibes were getting worse and worse. And I could not get any personal SPACE. I gave up on trying to find any clothes and on arguing with people, and wandered off to another, less populated part of the same building, where someone pointed out to me what was once Shakespeare's desk.  This area had hardwood floors and antique furnishings and far fewer (and older) people, but the few there were STILL giving me dirty looks! I kept thinking that I should find an area to live in THIS part of the building (since we all were free to sleep wherever we wanted), but ended up back in the crowded area, again trying to find some clothes to wear to the class...which by now I realized I had missed.

Completely stressed out, I now wandered outside, where there was maybe a foot of snow on the ground. Some people were milling around. Others were wearing dark clothes and sitting in a widely spaced circle. I remember thinking, "Well, it's slightly less hostile here; maybe I can just stand here and watch and not get hassled." Just then a small woman ran in my direction. I wasn't part of the circle that she was initially running around, but as she neared me, she veered from the circle and ran up to me and thrust a torch into my hand, basically saying, "You're it!" The woman was... Snooki. Yes, Snooki from "Jersey Shore." And the people in the circle were, apparently, playing some kind of "Duck, Duck, Goose" game. I absolutely did NOT want to be "it" -- I'd already felt singled out for unpleasant attention inside the building and didn't want any more attention at all -- but, for just a sec, I started to participate in the game by slowly jogging around the circle with the torch, wondering how I was going to get rid of it and just be a spectator again. I then came across Snooki again and, to me "jokingly," I put the lit end of the torch to her hair, which, of course, caught fire. I immediately helped her put the flames out, but I realized, "Geez. Now people are going to be mad at me for THIS, too."

Just then I spotted a white wolf making its laconic, but purposeful, way through the snow toward our group of people.  There was no great sense of panic amongst the humans, but we all did, nonetheless, eye the wolf and start to make our ways away from it. I pretended not to see it while walking in the opposite direction, but of course soon realized that it was following ME. I tossed the torch that I was holding straight at it, hoping either that it would think it was a treat or that it would simply be distracted by it. But the torch just fell in the snow as I walked on, knowing the wolf was still behind me. I went back into the earlier building, aware that I was being stalked, but still not overtly panicking or running. I walked upstairs and found a row of closets that I thought I could be safe in once I closed a door. But there were several dogs, including small Dobermans, in each closet. They weren't aggressive toward me, but I realized that I couldn't close any of the closet doors behind me with all of these dogs scrambling about. I was inside one closet, trying to figure out how to shut the door behind me for safety, when I turned and saw the white wolf standing right there at the doorway looking at me.

And then my alarm went off in real life. I woke up in an extreme state of alertness and attention/tension. Initially feeling very hunted by all from the dream, but as the morning wore on, I started thinking more about the white wolf. Like I said earlier, animal totems have meant nothing to me, really, nor have I spent time contemplating wolves, white or other. In conscious life, I've always thought cats, big and small, were cool in both a general way and a personal way (having had a couple of beloved cats that I felt spiritually connected to), but have never really been that interested in wolves, dogs, foxes, etc. The wolf in this dream was, indeed, following me and I was nervous about its presence, but it also wasn't 100% negative or "evil" or anything. And I was curious about why it showed up so strongly in a dream of mine when, on a conscious level, the symbol didn't mean anything to me. Interesting to learn online today about the wolf's importance in the subconscious of humans throughout history. After wading through dozens of shallow interpretations of "the wolf in dreams," I came upon this interesting, lengthy article: Jungian Archetype of the wolf...

Now, Jung I'm definitely interested in. I haven't read his works in-depth at all, yet I'm broadly/shallowly familiar with his theories on both the Archetype and the Shadow, mainly from reading more-intelligent astrologers, of all things! Here's a quote from the page:

The wolf reminded men of their domestication and their inner struggle with it. The wolf became also an image of remaining wild and sexuality, in a Jungian sense became men’s Shadow of undesired and unwanted.  For those of us with Western background do often not realize the depths and subtile differences and similarity of Pagan German or Norse,  Eastern or Native American stories. Especially wolf stories examine reincarnation, spiritual energy, gift exchange, the vitality of the body, and the spirit of the soul. In the old worldview everything is in flux and begins, balances out from, and ends with polarities akin to yin and yang. Even the gods are subject to this, undergo transformation, and often pay for what they gain with a corresponding loss. For indigenous people–including the indigenous Celts and Germanic--religion as such did not exist. Native views of spirituality wed it to time and place, land and sea and sky. Our forbears lived side by side with the wolves in an inspirited world, and that world abides, as do its instinctive but sacred dimensions:

Axe-time, sword-time, shields are sundered,
Wind-time, wolf-time, ere the world falls;
Nor ever shall men each other spare….
Now do I see the earth anew
Rise all green from the waves again…



Monday, April 28, 2014

Listening to LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling on the tape...

is exactly, for me, like watching the scene in Woody Allen's "Husbands and Wives," where newly separated Sydney Pollack's character loses it and physically drags his much-younger aerobics-instructor girlfriend out of a party because she's been so utterly inane. It's a highly uncomfortable thing to watch because it's so real. You feel bad for the young woman because she's just being her dumb self, but you also feel bad for the man because he's just been embarrassed in front of all of his friends. (Though, of course, it's ultimately his fault -- he shouldn't have invited her there, or even been seeing her, in the first place.)

Donald Sterling is 80 years old and separated from his equally ancient wife. Desperate for sex, he hooked up with Vanessa Stiviano (aka "Maria Vanessa Perez," "Monica Gallegos," "Maria Valdez" -- aka a girl on the make). He bought her stuff and took her out in public; in return, he got sex.

So far so good. All's fair...  Until the girl tapes a completely dumb-shit argument with him -- AFTER Stiviano's been hit with a lawsuit brought by Sterling's wife, who's pissed because her estranged husband has been giving his money away to a, basically, hooker.
I don't blame Stiviano for reacting to the lawsuit. Although the focus on racism is completely schewed. I don't really blame Sterling's wife for being pissed at the family-fortune giveaway, though it's an extremely odd thing to bring a suit against a husband's girlfriend on the basis of getting gifts from the straying husband.
The whole Sterling tape is so obviously petty and personal, between an ageing mogul and the hussy he's trying to sleep with and control, yet not control... Anyone who's ever been in a stupid lover's spat can hear that he's not racist, yet is most concerned with what his friends/minions think -- They've obviously been reporting to him that his girlfriend is "hanging out with black guys." For an 80-year-old white man, that makes him look bad. Why? Because in the Olden Days, it actually was true that only the lowest-class of white women would sleep with black men, ostensibly because they couldn't "find anybody else." That's not usually true today, and it hasn't been true for decades. But, as I learned upon reading his Wikipedia page, Donald Sterling was born in 1934. For a man born in 1934, yes, seeing "your woman" with a black man might indeed be discomfiting. (Note that Sterling specifically told Stiviano RE Magic Johnson that he admires the man and also that she could "feed him, fuck him, whatever..." -- Sterling just didn't want the IMAGE going out on Instagram. In 2014, that seems ludicrous. But, again, for a man born in 1934, it goes back to his not wanting to seem less-than in front of his friends, who had been notifying him about his girlfriend's doings.)

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Just Wait and See

this girl will give you what you need
but it's not guaranteed
that she can be believed


I've been looking for this CD, at under $20, for over a year now! Found it!

In Praise of Jacking Off

I haven't written this ode yet.

Let me just say, though, that Saturday I woke up sooooo full of hatred for someone not paying any attention to me. I was just WALLOWING in the Hate and negativity, not getting a single one of my needs met -- emotional, intellectual, physical, you name it; I was being completely ignored.

And then I "figured out" and gave myself a little lecture: "Pent-up emotional/sexual energy? No relief in sight? That's what fantasizing/jacking off is for, you idiot!"  :)

I felt so much better after. It's amazing how sometimes fantasy can fill EXACTLY the same niche, and relax you as much, as a real-life person. (Thanks, Joan.)

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

It's much easier... define yourself by media projections than to get along with a real-life person. A real-life person is messy. And there are numerous "down times." I'm 48, and I'm just now learning this.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

The Long Island Medium

I find the "Long Island Medium" show on TLC very peaceful to watch. (I was about to provide a link to the site, but the site was such a mess of loud, intrusive, junky ads that it completely belied my "peaceful" feeling after watching Theresa Caputo in action all day today.)

Watching the show itself, though: I'm respectful of her channeling ability. She makes me feel hopeful. After watching her, I feel that things aren't so utterly random and meaningless. I feel a connection with other souls.

And I'm an intellectual hard-ass. I hate bullshit, "feel-good" stuff based on nothing other than creepy, rah-rah "let's all feel good!" stuff that the vast majority of surface society is based on. Caputo has said herself that she's not going to channel negative energy, which I think is false, but I also understand it... (In my mind, surely the family/friends that have died violently aren't all going to be hovering there giving off sweetness and light. Yet, equally logically, they're also not going to be there in ALL hatred.) Caputo channels the positive -- i.e., the spirits from the other side saying "hi," giving her signals like numbers, tattoos, specific injuries... Stuff that Caputo herself couldn't have known but that the person that she's meeting with knows about her departed.

Given that 75% of the universe is "dark matter"/"dark energy" that even the most brilliant of physicists cannot explain... I'm quite comfortable thinking that the 75% is the energy (which cannot be created or destroyed) of those passed away.

Me, personally: I wish that the dead Ginny (my high-school love when I was 18 and she was 17) still loved me and watched over me. But she was 22 when she died, and in love with someone else at the time. I'm not sure that her spirit is wise enough to be anything to me at 48. (What does a dead 22-year-old know?) My relatives: My grandmother on my father's side was always especially nice to me when I was 8-10. And I always liked my mother's middle German sister. But what do they have to do with me? They both had others, more important to them, to think about, to visit, once dead.

Psychologically, from what I've heard, my mother's German grandfather, and my father's East Texas grandfather, might be closest to my own mind-set (intellectually curious and confrontational, and geographically restless) -- but again... what do these guys care about me?

Who is watching over me? After watching Caputo, I feel that someone must be, but... who? I am 100% alone in the material world.

Friday, April 04, 2014

Candid on the set with cake and ax

This is the title of something brilliant. (Below is the picture that inspired it.)