Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Throwback Journal Entries

Back in the Olden Days, pre-Internet, those of us who were thoughtful and literary-minded often kept -- gasp! -- HANDWRITTEN JOURNALS! Can you imagine: Writing your thoughts down on paper, just for the sake of writing, without the thought of anyone else seeing what you'd written?

Since my life has recently taken a turn for the better, where I'll be able to afford a better place in a few months, I thought about a time over 20 years ago where I was also able to finally afford a move from a generic apartment to a duplex. And then dug out several journal entries from 1991, when I was 25. Nothing changes, really; all is cyclical. The below are typed verbatim from my journal of the time. (Of minor interest to Austinites: My "new place" was 89-1/2 B Rainey Street. I initially paid $290 per month in rent for a one-bedroom duplex, and grumbled when the rent went up to $310 a year later. I buried two cats in my backyard. Today, most of the street has been razed in favor of trendy bars and high-rise hotels.)

March 10, 1991--Sunday

I signed a lease for my new place today; I was so excited after seeing it last week -- very near downtown and I-35, a small residential area amid warehouses, several clubs very close by and a "nudist massage parlor" behind my back yard! The new Austin convention center will also be only a few blocks away -- very much the center of things! The neighborhood seems peaceful though; there's also a hike/bike trail at the end of the street, where the river is.

The place is a duplex: high ceilings w' fans, hardwood floors, old stand-up bathtub, a fenced-in, oops--screened-in back porch, and a backyard -- lots of windows, lots of sunlight. The down side is the $290.00 deposit, plus the $74 I have to pay for the last week of March -- I felt bad having to set up a payment plan; the landlady is probably having doubts already as to my reliability. It would have been nice to get things off to a smooth start -- I had to call and tell her I couldn't afford the $74, like I said I could. A few other problems: I have to pay wastewater and garbage, too, now, plus I'm responsible for mowing the lawn! So, my original elation is tempered by the added fiscal responsibilities -- I'm also unable to pay back Mom and Mollie what I owe them this month due to all the other expenses. And this after I just got back my tax money, too. This never-ending hole of debt constantly depresses me. I did manage to get a Supercuts visit yesterday! Plus, Mollie and I got along well this weekend -- we did some cocaine on Friday night, which is always fun, and we spent both Friday and Saturday nights together for the first time in ages. We talked a lot about our pasts Friday, both of us open and talkative, thanks to the coke, I suppose, but even drugs can't totally fabricate feelings of closeness if they don't exist. I love Mollie, and with time and patience on both of our hot-headed sides, the walls between us will crumble somewhat. I think one key is to maintain my own sense of self-confidence, to find things that occupy me -- friends, interests -- so that I do not become as dependent on Mollie's love and company as I have been in the past. Too much love is suicidal -- giving up the self doesn't result in the dream-state at all!

Wednesday, March 13, 1991

My initial doubts as to the financial feasibility of my new place have subsided somewhat. I've been picturing myself sitting in peacefulness, with sunlight pouring in, surrounded by books and plants and cats, going for walks along the river, sitting on my front porch saying "hi" to neighbors passing by. I've been sick in bed the past 2 days and my neighbor was loud last night -- so I drove by the new place around 9pm and just sat in the driveway, enjoying the quiet. It's going to be so fun to fix up, getting rugs and knick-knacks, eventually "new" used pieces of furniture, tables and such. With money problems now, I've no choice but to look to the future, knowing that things will improve as I learn to manage my money better. As always, the key to maintain my own sense of balance -- not to depend on anything for happiness -- "I do not want what I haven't got" says Sinead. Getting rid of that craving for things, as well as for the love and affection of others. Of course, the latter is very desirable, but not absolutely necessary to survival. No one can satisfy all of my innermost needs -- the best way seems to be relying on different people for different needs, having other people to turn to when one person has let me down in some way. I was thinking last night about how rudely I'd treated various people in the past because they'd disappointed me in some obscure way or failed to read my mind -- such stupidity, such self-creation of loneliness.


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