Thursday, October 02, 2014

Almost stepped back...

...into creepiness. I almost called Sandra tonight.

She'd hung up on me weeks ago, shrieking, "You're drunk!" When, actually, I wasn't drunk at all.

There have been many times when I felt guilty over my behavior toward Sandra, but that particular phone conversation wasn't one of them. When she hung up on me, I suddenly got a flash: "She just doesn't like me. She was just looking for an excuse to hang up."

I cried and cried that night. Didn't want the real-and-true answer that I got from the ether: She was just looking for an excuse to not like me. Similar to many other "hints" that she'd given me over the past years. The most blatant being: Her not wanting to go to our former professor Wevill's reading with me. Not wanting to see Cat Power with me (when I'd bought her a ticket). Those two things were so black-and-white, so clear-cut. I still hung on after that, though, which makes me disgusted with myself.

Tonight, I had had a few beers. Was worried about Sandra's living situation. Her Sugar Daddy went semi-senile a few months ago, and his family took over and cut off her rent money, leaving her scrambling for rent/job. She had scrambled on over to Austin from Houston back in April, desperate. I had no money to offer, but tried to help with job leads and resume construction. A few days later, I found out that she'd gone back to Houston without telling me. Our contact had been sporadic after that.

I DIDN'T call tonight, thank god. I'm 49. Calling her would have been flashing me back to a much younger self, for instance: Humbling myself for no reason with apologies for no reason, just because I was so desperate for any connection with anyone. (Because a connection feels good. It's harsh to be constantly without one.)

2 comments:

Zach said...

hey, you did the right thing. it's totally a red flag when someone is laying guilt trips on you big time. it sounds like you went out on a limb for your friend, and still it was never enough.

i'm certain you won't always be alone. it just seems like that right now. plus a healthy relationship consists of mutual respect. based on what you have written here, it seems like you gave more than you got.

it took a lot of strength not to make that phone call, so do something nice for yourself - you did the right thing.

Beth Austin said...

Thanks, Zach. My relationship with her has never been healthy. Someone I knew back in a college poetry class in the late '80s; we reconnected via the Internet in 2008 when I was in NYC, have seen each other several times since I've been back in Texas. Constant arguing. I think my being gay is disturbing to her; she initially said she was bi and started coming on sexually -- of course I responded! I'd had a huge crush on her in college! But once we got emotionally close, she starting pulling back. Except she'll come back every now and then, then withdraw again.

I was feeling so down about myself once I couldn't make it in NY and had to come back to Texas and then couldn't initially find a job that her behavior seemed to fit in with how I felt about myself, so I went along with it.

Now, though, I'm feeling very positive, with a great new job; my head's in a different place... EXCEPT when I start to think about her. :( There's still some attachment, though it's obviously time to move on. This horoscope from astrocenter.com gets it right for me during this time:

"There is a rough stubbornness to the day that you may find is hindering your progress. There may be undercurrents of opposition that are slowly wearing away at your psyche. Make sure that you don't fall into the trap of feeling guilt or regret. These are useless emotions that you simply can do without. If people are being negative or unreasonable, simply walk away from the situation and find a better one."