Saturday, October 01, 2016

Hang-ups

Since about 12 or so, I've tried my best to look at things intellectually. Probably due to my parents' utter irrationality. (Had I taken the behavior of either of those people seriously, I would have certainly gone mad.)

Post-parents, in the search for love, I've initially believed what people told me. (Why would they lie about such a profound thing?)

Duh... People want any sort of attention, and they'll do anything to get it.

At 51, I've come to the realization that I've been attracted to some losers. Attractive on the surface, but deep-down defective. Not "defective" because they didn't love me, but because they were simply messed up. First-lover Mollie, a near-pedophile. (When I met her, she was 36, I was 23; she was obsessed with hanging out with club teens). Murrah, a lost soul (with a gay father) who hosted karaoke around town and claimed to "want to make a difference." (She made no difference to anyone and is now living in a tiny house outside of Austin.) Sandra, a sexually abused rich kid who grew up to write poetry in college (currently shuffling among Sugar Daddies in Houston). Julie, a confused transsexual (trying to be a woman, but with the mind-set of a gay man).

All of the above seemed so mentally interesting and attractive in the beginning... But then when I got to know these people.. They're fucked up in ways that I myself am not fucked up. I've got my own multitude of problems, sure, but... my own mental problems don't involve pedophilia or closeted gay dads or childhood abuse or transsexuality. Fuck. These things are beyond my comprehension. I understand them intellectually, but I don't understand them on a deep-down organic level.

Mollie (my first lover), for instance, an androgynous/butch woman, had male-on-male locker-room porno under her bed: Jock guys wrestling, etc. Now, good for her. But... don't bring ME into this deep-down scenario. Why would you seek out a young woman if you were into jock guys making out? Same with Julie: How did I get involved with your gay predilection for teens?  And Sandra: How did I get involved with your predilection for Daddies?

I was so curious once I left Ginny and Azle in 1983. So much shit since then. Nothing interesting or creative, or anything that made me feel good, as I had imagined sex was supposed to be. Since leaving home in '83 at the age of 18, I've, in my search for love and sexual connection, primarily encountered a bunch of people with profound hangups trying to project their own disturbances and creepiness onto me.

(How to attract interesting, sexual people who aren't creepy assholes?)

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