Monday, February 20, 2017

Fambly

I hardly ever dream about my father, abusive as he was. I dream about my mother probably once a month: I'm always screaming in anger or terror in the dreams. I'm always drained and horrified when I wake up from these. Always. 9.8 out of 10 dreams with my mother, I wake up emotionally drained and/or horrified because I've been screaming. The most disturbing was the knowledge in the dream that I was a baby and screaming and screaming.

Christmas Eve this year: I arrived at my mother's house with 2 bags of gifts for mom, brother/wife and their kids.

The second I walked in, my mother got agitated: "Where's your car? Where's your car? Where's your car? Where's your car? Where's your car?" (Um... "I parked down the street because other people were parked in front of your house." But despite that common-place explanation, still: "Where's your car? Where's your car? Where's your car?")

I couldn't take another second of it. I dropped off my bags o' gifts, said "This is bullshit," and walked out... and drove off in the allegedly non-existent car.

What was my mother thinking? That I no longer had my car that I'd just purchased for myself back in July? If that were the case, then how did I get to her house? It was clear that it was Christmas Eve and that the streets were filled with other relatives parking their cars up and down the street... Therefore, my "I parked down the street because other people were parked in front of your house" was a perfectly reasonable explanation. What then brought on the weirdness?

Mental illness brought on the "weirdness." And I had my fill of it at that exact moment. Enough.

This past Christmas, I bought 5 people presents. I got no presents, or a "thank-you," from anyone in return. Fuck the 3 adults (sorry, nephews).

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