A Sad Search

For a couple of years, I used to eat the below Healthy Choice frozen dinner once a week as a work lunch: fish patty, rice, broccoli, plus an apple cobbler. It wasn't dramatically great, but I always felt satisfied after eating it, unlike most other frozen dins that I've tried.

Then, my local HEB supermarket stopped carrying it, in favor of a new line of Healthy Choice "bowls." (I tried a couple of these --- not very good.)

After accepting my fate, I finally decided to search around online to find out what happened to one of my favorite lunch meals. (Yes, searching for "Healthy Choice Lemon Pepper Fish" is a sad search.) But I finally found that in Austin, only WalMart now carries the old Lemon Pepper Fish meal, now labeled part of the Healthy Choice "Classics." 

So today I went out of my way to a WalMart JUST for this frozen meal! Not being a Survivalist, I just bought three of them instead of 50, which still felt a bit weird and excessive. But still: I really did miss that particular meal and was glad to find it somewhere in town!

Poops and Pees and Help with Laundry

Today was a mixed day with the kittens:

The bad:
(1) I found a kitten poop pile near a pillow on my bed.
(2) I found two separate wet pee spots in the fuzzy kitten-tower. (And I thought all three kittens knew how to use the litter box.)
(3) While in the living room, I heard a mild crash in the bedroom... Someone (probably Solomon!) had jumped up on a nightstand and knocked an ashtray off, breaking it in half.

The good:
(1) Anyone who's had cats before knows: They like "helping" with the laundry. Whether it's with putting sheets on beds or sorting through piles of things... I've had strays, rescues, raised-from-scratch, etc. Whatever their background, they all like to participate in laundry folding. And today the nearly-8-week-old kittens all proved themselves true to their DNA!
(2) After weeks of shyly staying in the bedroom where they were born, in the past week or two, the kittens have been invading the living room: Pouncing all over pillows on the floor, invading the couch (and climbing up on me when I'm lying on the couch).

Georgie and Solomon helping me fold jeans.

Henny Family. Yes, you look pretty, Lily!

Solomon.

Solomon Grundy.

Solomon and Georgie.

Georgie.

Four-Cat Madhouse. Get yer butt off my pillow, George! Yes, you look pretty, Lily!

Physical Symptoms

I'm usually more in tune with my mind than with my body when it comes to making a decision about something. (Though, in truth, my mind has usually been overwhelmed by my emotions; the body has very rarely been paid attention to.) Here's something new to me, though:

Lately (for the past month or so), when I've gone into work, a muscle leading from my neck to my left shoulder immediately tightens up, to the point where I can't turn my head to the left. In addition, and I don't quite know how to explain this: Also in my office, I feel a weird/mildly unpleasant tingling in various nerve endings. Initially, I thought this was just a momentary oddity. But the feeling always goes away when I leave the office. And it comes back even when I'm in the office on a weekend, by myself and away from the typical workday people and stresses. WHAT IS THIS? Asbestos, or just Mental Asbestos, or??

I've perhaps been living too rationally for too long. Is it now time to start listening to my synapses?? (I'm kind of kidding; I'd rather not. But what if it's actually better for you if you do?!)

God keep me from becoming a Snowflake...

Kittens at 7 weeks

I keep wavering between "keep all three of them" (yeah, and become an official "Cat Lady"; along with Mama Henny, having four cats is officially nuts unless you live on a farm) and "god, how will I let two of them go."

The kittens themselves aren't bothersome at all. They're still cute, just now getting bold and rambunctious, venturing out into the living room and climbing up on me. Mama Henny, though, is an indication of what four GROWN cats will be like: Just 7 weeks after giving birth, Henny's been in heat again ALREADY for the past week. She yowls constantly for a half-hour at a time around 4 times a day. (I initially thought she just wanted to go out, but according to online "experts," her constant rubbing and rolling and sticking her butt up in the air mean... in heat. Sounds about right. I yelled at her to STOP IT both yesterday and today, which sent her scurrying away from me into the bedroom. I felt terrible for scaring her. I know she can't help it, but she's been fucking annoying.)

So, yeah, the kittens are cute now, and I love them and their personalities, but... pretty soon they're going to be going through their adolescence and going to need to be fixed, have their shots, etc. (If you haven't had cats before: getting adult cats into a cage to take them to the vet is traumatic for all involved every time.)

So, no, I don't want this angst multiplied by four. Gotta give away two of the babies very soon. (But they're all so cute... And much more importantly, and sadly, than being "cute": I know these babies a little bit. I know their various quirks. I know that they like to sleep with each other and with their mama, and that they like to play with each other and their mama. It's going to be sad separating two of them from their family.)

Solomon, Georgie, and Lily.

Solomon and Georgie.

Tammy Wynette - Another Lonely Song (Hee Haw, Feb 8, 1975)

I like the SPINNING WHEEL shown non-ironically in the foreground at one point. Like the whole rustic framework, a bit incongruous with Tammy's hipster outfit and lifestyle.

A sidenote: George Jones and Tammy Wynette would officially divorce a month later.

Merle Haggard & Tammy Wynette: Wembley Stadium, UK (1988)

I've listened to this dozens of times -- always get goosebumps when Tammy's voice comes in.

Tammy Wynette - Sweet Music Man (1977)

Sing a song
Sweet music man
Cause I won't be there to hold your hand
Like I used to
I'm through with you

You're a beautiful singer
And a powerful man
But you surround yourself with people
Who demand so little of you

You touched my soul with your beautiful songs
You even had me singing along right with you
You said I need you
Then you changed the words
And added harmony
You sang the song
You had written for me to someone new

Nobody sings the love songs quite like you do
Nobody else can make me sing along
Nobody else can make me feel things are right
But I know they're wrong
Nobody sings a love song quite like you

Sing your songs
Sweet music man
You travel the world with a six piece band
That does for you what you ask 'em to

You try to stay young
But the songs are sung
To so many people
Who've all begun to come back on you

Sing your song
Sad music man
You're making your living doing one night stands
They're through with you
They don't need you

You're still a beautiful singer
But a broken man
But you'll keep on looking for one last fan to sing to

But nobody sings the love songs quite like you do
Nobody else can make me sing along
Nobody else can make me feel things are right
But I know they're wrong
Nobody sings a love song quite like you

Sing your song
Sweet music man

Real Housewives of NYC

Tonight, while working at the computer, I had on Bravo's "Real Housewives of NYC" in the background. (Most of the "Housewives" shows are guilty pleasures for me.)

One of the themes of tonight's show, via conversations between Ramona Singer and Bethenny Frankel, was of growing up in abusive households. I wasn't paying super-close attention, but... I THINK I heard Ramona say that one of the nasty things she witnessed while growing up in an abusive home was her mother being dragged by her hair down a hallway... That caught my notice because at age 12, my father dragged ME by the hair down the hallway. (He didn't like the fact that I was in my bedroom both watching TV AND writing in my diary at the same time. He'd told me to stop writing, and I didn't.)

Glad that a rich woman talked about this on a so-called "junky" TV show. It is, indeed, traumatic to watch this happen to your mother. And imagine if you're only 12 and it happens to you personally. (I can kind of see two grownups going at each other for deeply personal reasons. But... what's your "personal reason" for attacking a 12-year-old for writing in her diary while watching TV, you POS.)

(Another, albeit much more minor, related memory: When I was forced to live with my mother for 3 months in 2010 after coming home from NYC, I was once lying on her couch during the day watching "Real Housewives." Mom to me: "What does [watching that] say about you as a person?")

George Jones: Leaving Love All Over The Place (1978)

I love George Jones. But this one: Ewwww... Way too much information. And: How, exactly, did you mess up the DRAPES?

George Jones: Small Time Laboring Man

In a 1969 "Rolling Stone" interview, Bob Dylan was asked what he thought was the best song released in the previous year; he replied, "George Jones had one called 'Small Town Laboring Man'."

"Small Time Laboring Man"

A dollar an hour, eight hours a day
Will soon make a young man wither away
I work for my family with my wrinkled hands
For I'm a small time laboring man.

Six long days each week I toil and I sweat
But on Sunday my family gives me comfort and rest
Then again Monday morning I'll make tracks in the sand
For I'm a small time laboring man.

I'm a small time laboring man
Fighting against trying as hard as I can
I fight for my country with my caloused hands
For I'm a small time laboring man.

Twelve long months each year my life stays the same
Making my honest dollar in the sun, snow and rain
No, you don't see my family on the starvation plan
For I'm a small time laboring man

No One Will Ever Know

In the 1984 George Jones bio by Dolly Carlisle, Tammy Wynette says that this was her favorite Hank Williams song:

I'd go to bed and I'd have a small Mickey Mouse record player that I'd set in a straight chair right beside my bed and I'd put on Hank Williams albums that have the yellow center and there was one song on there I'd play over and over, "No One Will Ever Know." That was always my favorite song. I'd lie on my stomach sleeping, and I'd take my finger and scratch the needle back to the beginning and I'd play it over and over 'til I went to sleep.

Conversation Overheard: Holden

Today in a common area outside my office, a lady that I barely know was talking to two of my co-workers (high school degrees, 60-ish, worked at this same place for over 25 years) about a friend of hers who had just had a baby, whom she named "Holden."

[Me (to myself upon overhearing): Holden Caulfield? That's kind of too precious and trendy. Like "Scout."]

One of the two co-workers: Oh... like William Holden?

Lady: No... I'm pretty sure it was after the character in "Catcher in the Rye."

Both co-workers: [silence for a few seconds, then one of them] Oh...Cool.

Kittens eat solid food for first time + Solomon goes rogue

Mama Hennessy has had her own food and water dishes set out since I first brought her inside with the three babies in April. A couple of days ago, I went ahead and set out some separate low-rimmed dishes with kitten chow and water for the babies, just in case they were ready, after nearly 6 weeks, to start eating on their own.

Yesterday, the black kitten, Solomon, briefly stuck his face in his mama's food dish for the first time, plus then tumped over his mama's bigger water dish and made a mess.

This evening, both Solomon and Lily (the tiger-striped kitten) found the kitten-food dish and ate up for the first time. Mama Henny worried about at first, but then lay down and watched.

Afterwards, though, came some rambunctiousness. First, Lily checked out the George Jones boxed sets propped up on the fireplace. But then she immediately ran back to the bedroom, so Mama wasn't too concerned. Solomon, though...

First, he embedded himself in the bookshelf; then, he wanted to hang out by the couch; and then he wanted to pose next to Joan (in my "for sale on eBay" pile). Mama Henny did not like any of this. She vocalized her angst the entire time. And when Solomon ran into the kitchen, she finally dragged him out by the scruff of his neck (as in his baby days 6 weeks ago) and then pushed him on back toward the bedroom.

Lily and Solomon eating solid food for the first time. Mama Henny watches.

Lily checking out my George Jones boxed sets.

Solomon discovering books.

Solomon: First kitten to explore the living room.

Can you spot the Solomon?

Kittens: Nearly 6 weeks old

Mama Henny (Hennyson/Hennessy) at right. Kittens from top: Solomon, Lily, still unnamed.

From top: Solomon, Lily, still unnamed.

Unnamed good boy figuring out the litter box before anyone else! (Except... Please DO pee but DON'T bury your face in there, honey!)

Unnamed bold climber I.

Unnamed bold climber II.

Solomon.

Unnamed, left, and Lily. (Solomon's back is to us.)

Tammy Wynette: It's Just A Matter Of Time (1970)

Tammy Wynette: Starting Over (1980)

Wondering where the hours go
Catching up on TV shows
It's not easy, heaven knows
When you're starting over

Knowing that the phone won't ring
Back to being lonely me
Funny how I seem to be
Always starting over

Foolish me, I never mend
Almost heal then break again
Looking back I've always been starting over

So just when the hurt is through
I'll see a face across a room
And wonder if it's still too soon
To be starting over

But like a fool I'll give my heart
Then the same old thing will start
I'll watch it slowly fall apart
Then I'll be starting over

Foolish me, I never mend
Almost heal then break again
Looking back I've always been, always starting over

She has risen!

Trying to be grateful, trying not to be bored

At 53, with a good-paying job of 5 years and with an apartment-full of new kittens, I've pretty much given up on trying for anything drastically new. Meaning mainly, I suppose, a move back to New York. My time to move back to New York was in 2012/13 when I was back in Austin in a $575-per-month studio apartment and at one point was living so cheaply and had $10,000 in the bank from freelance work. Too emotionally drained then to do anything but stay put, though.

Today, I've got a ton of stuff that I don't want to give up (after giving up everything in 2007 to move to New York and then slowly, painfully rebuilding post-2010). And my job and its pay isn't something to lightly toss away. Still, though, I have been feeling stagnant for months now.

In decades past when feeling stagnant, I would make moves both drastic and mediocre: "Drastic" = Moving to San Francisco in 1994 to get my graduate degree; and moving to NYC in 2007 to try to find publishing work and experience the city. "Mediocre" = Quitting a job or changing apartments. I think I'm past both the "Drastic" and "Mediocre" stages. So what, then, to do? Live feeling like this ("blah") for the rest of my life? I really don't want to spend the rest of my life doing nothing but working at and then retiring from a cushy-but-mediocre state job. But then I also don't want to struggle financially any more, the way I did for years. Perhaps the simple solution is: Try to find a job that I'm happier at, and that also pays better. People change jobs all the time in an orderly fashion, sans drama or ill feelings, yet with, perhaps, a sense of excitement about the new. I'm scared, though. After so much turmoil in the past, I feel secure now with my job. Not "happy," but "secure." Ten years ago, I had nothing to lose when I felt like a change. Today, though, I have a lot to lose.

This week's horoscope from Rob Brezsny gives me a sort-of hint that the Wild Universe is not yet completely closed off to me:

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Leo poet Stanley Kunitz told his students, "You

must be very careful not to deprive the poem of its wild origin." That's

useful advice for anyone who spawns anything, not just poets. There's

something unruly and unpredictable about every creative idea or fresh

perspective that rises up in us. Do you remember when you first felt the

urge to look for a new job or move to a new city or search for a new kind

of relationship? Wildness was there at the inception. And you needed to

stay in touch with the wildness so as to follow through with practical

action. That's what I encourage you to do now. Reconnect with the wild

origins of the important changes you're nurturing.

Tigery-face is too cute!

I have made special efforts to pay equal attention to all three kittens. They're all cute and active, and all let me pet them and all like to play. But Tigery keeps being the cutest! Look at that face!

Kittens!

What if I can't give two of them up after 6 weeks? The idea of shortly relegating two to a shelter (albeit a no-kill shelter) seems awful. But, still, I can't keep FOUR CATS (three babies plus Mama) in my apartment. That's how people eventually appear on "Hoarders" and how early-middle-aged ladies eventually become Old Cat Ladies.

If I had to pick one to keep today, after 4-and-a-half weeks, I'd pick the tigery-faced one, who's the cutest. But they're all still so little, still only being brave enough to roam around the bedroom... nobody's yet ventured out into the rest of the apartment. I've petted all of them, and the black kitty likes the petting the most, rolling over to let me stroke his/her baby belly---but his fur is so black, I can barely see his eyes and can't tell if his features are cute or not! (And so, Tigery is currently the sassiest and cutest...)

Joan Crawford (Screen Guide, September 10, 1938)

George & Tammy: We're Not the Jet Set

Our steak and martinis is draft beer and weenies...

Kitten Diary: Three babies on the loose!

Nearly 4 weeks old: The three kittens just ventured out from under the bed a couple of days ago. They now like hanging out in the space between the bed and the window. Mama Henny also feels semi-comfortable letting them run around, though she still sometimes fusses at them vocally and then herds them together under the bed. She lets me pet the babies, but also bumps against me and seeks attention for herself first when I'm around them. (Can't tell if it's actually attention-seeking or if she's scared that I'll hurt them. Though I've been feeding Henny outdoors daily since last July---so I think I've built up some trust---she's only been indoors with me for the past few weeks... TV and shower and hairdryer, and ME, must seem strange and scary!)