I've had a bad relationship with my mother since about age 8.
In 2017, after she revealed that she was leaving 75% of her money to my brother and sons, and only 25% to me, I let her have it via multiple e-mails---the full range of my anger since I was a kid.
We made up in 2020; then it all flared up again a few months ago, when she accused me of being "brainwashed." At Christmas 2022, when I spent one night at her house, I went to sleep in the spare bedroom listening to the "Coast to Coast" AM radio show. I'd first discovered this paranormal show when I came back from NYC in 2010 and had to stay with my mom for 3 months before finding a new job. Every night after 10pm or so, when forced to go to my room instead of being allowed to watch TV in the living room, this radio show was an interesting solace.
This Christmas at my Mom's, I opted to spend a night, thinking it would be pleasant and restful to be away from my apartment. But, as in 2010, I wasn't allowed to go to sleep with the TV on, so I again tuned in to a small radio by my guest bed to get me to sleep, seeking out the interesting "Coast to Coast" show that I'd known from years before. In this case, though, my mother subsequently claimed that, in the early hours of the morning, she heard---apparently through the bedroom door---some right-wing announcers on the radio. And therefore I was "brainwashed" and "full of hate" because the radio programs had gotten to me during the night, and that's why I liked Trump and disagreed with her politically.
Sigh. My mother is over 80, but she's always been smart and in good health. Where the FUCK did the above insanity come from? I won't be so shallow as to say she's become senile. I, of course, demanded an apology for calling me "brainwashed." Which I, of course, didn't get. And so we're again at odds, for the hundredth time.
It disturbs me greatly. The guilt is that we'll never come to an understanding before she dies, and, post-80, she could die any day now.
Woke up early this morning, 5am, with Ingmar Bergman's "Autumn Sonata" down low on TCM. I'd never seen it before, though I just last year bought a complete Bergman film set. Tried to go back to sleep 'til 7:30 or so, but ended up watching the whole thing... A film about a grown-up daughter's latter-day horror at her mother's earlier behavior. (Nothing overly abusive about the behavior, just pure neglect and then attempts at making up for it. A psychological problem rather than a dramatic one.)
Almost every time I watch a Bergman film, either on purpose or by accident, I come away feeling cleansed in some way. The crappiest of feelings that I'd been feeling toward my mother, which will probably never be resolved, appeared in Bergman's "Autumn Sonata." He is utterly honest and harsh, yet he also offers a humane resolution---though not any solution---to such psychological dilemmas.
I've felt the same way when watching his other films from the late '40s up until this point: Bergman is harsh but merciful. I've never come away from any of his films feeling that there is no hope.
In 2017, after she revealed that she was leaving 75% of her money to my brother and sons, and only 25% to me, I let her have it via multiple e-mails---the full range of my anger since I was a kid.
We made up in 2020; then it all flared up again a few months ago, when she accused me of being "brainwashed." At Christmas 2022, when I spent one night at her house, I went to sleep in the spare bedroom listening to the "Coast to Coast" AM radio show. I'd first discovered this paranormal show when I came back from NYC in 2010 and had to stay with my mom for 3 months before finding a new job. Every night after 10pm or so, when forced to go to my room instead of being allowed to watch TV in the living room, this radio show was an interesting solace.
This Christmas at my Mom's, I opted to spend a night, thinking it would be pleasant and restful to be away from my apartment. But, as in 2010, I wasn't allowed to go to sleep with the TV on, so I again tuned in to a small radio by my guest bed to get me to sleep, seeking out the interesting "Coast to Coast" show that I'd known from years before. In this case, though, my mother subsequently claimed that, in the early hours of the morning, she heard---apparently through the bedroom door---some right-wing announcers on the radio. And therefore I was "brainwashed" and "full of hate" because the radio programs had gotten to me during the night, and that's why I liked Trump and disagreed with her politically.
Sigh. My mother is over 80, but she's always been smart and in good health. Where the FUCK did the above insanity come from? I won't be so shallow as to say she's become senile. I, of course, demanded an apology for calling me "brainwashed." Which I, of course, didn't get. And so we're again at odds, for the hundredth time.
It disturbs me greatly. The guilt is that we'll never come to an understanding before she dies, and, post-80, she could die any day now.
Woke up early this morning, 5am, with Ingmar Bergman's "Autumn Sonata" down low on TCM. I'd never seen it before, though I just last year bought a complete Bergman film set. Tried to go back to sleep 'til 7:30 or so, but ended up watching the whole thing... A film about a grown-up daughter's latter-day horror at her mother's earlier behavior. (Nothing overly abusive about the behavior, just pure neglect and then attempts at making up for it. A psychological problem rather than a dramatic one.)
Almost every time I watch a Bergman film, either on purpose or by accident, I come away feeling cleansed in some way. The crappiest of feelings that I'd been feeling toward my mother, which will probably never be resolved, appeared in Bergman's "Autumn Sonata." He is utterly honest and harsh, yet he also offers a humane resolution---though not any solution---to such psychological dilemmas.
I've felt the same way when watching his other films from the late '40s up until this point: Bergman is harsh but merciful. I've never come away from any of his films feeling that there is no hope.
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