Sandra died back in February. I found out only in May.
From May to December, I'd heard nothing from her, until last night.
From May to December, I'd heard nothing from her, until last night.
She appeared to me in a dream with glittery eye makeup, and saying that she was now working at a grocery store. (I suppose I'd approve of her now working anywhere!)
At some point, she called in to a radio show (with me present next to her), and she told the radio host about my personal emotional deficiencies (which I was embarrassed about and not really wanting her to talk about).
The folksy radio host ignored those and then asked her what department she worked in at the grocery store:
Sandra: "Vegetables and Soap."
Host: "Well, I wouldn't know anything about THOSE!" [hahahahaha went the audience]
Though I knew almost everything about her past life, I was not in tune with her present INTERNAL life, although I knew all about the external circumstances: She was in litigation with her ex-husband, her recent elderly beau (also a rich lawyer) had just stopped paying for her apartment... In my simplistic view, I thought she needed a job and so I tried to find her one. She later revealed to me---in a rare honest moment---that she'd never, not once, followed up on any job-lead that I'd sent her.
At some point, she called in to a radio show (with me present next to her), and she told the radio host about my personal emotional deficiencies (which I was embarrassed about and not really wanting her to talk about).
The folksy radio host ignored those and then asked her what department she worked in at the grocery store:
Sandra: "Vegetables and Soap."
Host: "Well, I wouldn't know anything about THOSE!" [hahahahaha went the audience]
Though I knew almost everything about her past life, I was not in tune with her present INTERNAL life, although I knew all about the external circumstances: She was in litigation with her ex-husband, her recent elderly beau (also a rich lawyer) had just stopped paying for her apartment... In my simplistic view, I thought she needed a job and so I tried to find her one. She later revealed to me---in a rare honest moment---that she'd never, not once, followed up on any job-lead that I'd sent her.
In real life, our relationship was based almost solely on me asking her about herself. I knew more about her (externally) than I've ever known about anyone else in my entire life. The trouble came when I expected/hoped that she'd pay any attention to anything about ME... I'm interesting to myself, but apparently I wasn't ever to her. Though one time she did tell me, as a panacea: "I don't know how to love."
Whatever our mutual deficiencies, I'm still horrified that she died in a low-rent hospice after a stroke. A great beauty, a great artist (I got chills when looking at some of her work), a close-to-great poet. And her art is lost. And her online Death site has remembrances like "I used to car-pool with Sandra..." ----She wasn't a fucking suburban Mom, you Houston idiots!
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