Morning Star

I've learned that all the stars that I see now
might have burned out years ago, their light just taking longer.

Not Venus, though. I know that she's still there.

Pope Francis and The Poor

I got goosebumps watching Pope Francis at St. Patrick's Cathedral in NYC tonight. I have long missed feeling a sense of community in my life, and have long searched for such. But I was also somewhat torn: The age-old pomp and circumstance of the Catholic Church were inspiring, but then I remembered what Martin Luther and the Protestant Reformation were all about: Things have always gotten corrupt within the established order!

This quote from Pope Francis is inspiring to me: "The Eucharist is not a prize for the perfect but a powerful medicine and nourishment for the weak."

But then Francis is also quoted as saying that it's not enough to give charity to the poor/homeless--that one must meet them, encounter them... As one who has "met" and "encountered" "The Poor" and "The Homeless," let me tell you: The Poor and The Homeless don't behave on a daily basis like they might when meeting the Pope. I've met some of "The Poor" and "The Homeless" up close and personal at bus-stops/on buses: I've been cursed at, lunged at, belittled for being a "white woman on the bus." I've had to listen to assholes cursing at the top of their lungs--- just in general, or at exchange students or similarly weak-seeming women next to them. I've listened firsthand to a guy behind me on the bus spouting off to his buddy about how he was going to get his girlfriend pregnant before he had to go back to jail, just so she'd be eligible for extra government money.

I've been poor. Working poor, that is. I have ZERO sympathy, though, for the Pope's generic absolution for the slackers. "The Poor" are oh-so-humble in the abstract, but absolutely shitty in reality.

 

Flying with Ted Hughes

Yeah, yeah, the last time Ted Hughes spoke to me was when I was in a completely ridiculous graduate writing program in San Francisco, back in '94. (And the man wasn't even dead yet. I wrote him about that dream, and he wrote me back. I framed his response, and I still have his card next to my desk. Hughes died of cancer in 1998.)

Last night, in 2015, I dreamed that I was flying with Ted Hughes. I was scuttling around some sort of town festival, worried about having to go pee. Ted Hughes came wandering along and grabbed my hand and we stepped off a cliff -- not a drastic cliff hundreds of feet down to the sea, but a maybe 20-ft cliff. And we sailed on down. We were both smiling after we landed. But when we landed, I still had to pee and I was still complaining about THAT. After just having flown.

I didn't wake up feeling great, though I should have. Hughes doesn't appear to me very often (TWICE exactly in my life), but when he does, I believe it's serious. My Spirit Animal.

Fuck You, Homeless Guy on the Bus

Not EVER right if he's just lying/sitting there minding his own business.

THIS guy, though, on the bus I was on this afternoon... He kept nodding out, would "perk up" every few minutes to curse out someone who had just gotten on the bus.

After 10 minutes of listening to his shit, he went on his "Fuck You" rampage to a lady sitting across from him. I, at the back of the bus, saw red. I yelled down to him: "FUCK YOU."

After his initial surprise, he yelled "Fuck you" back to me.

We went back and forth with the "Fuck you"'s, and then the bus driver took over and told the guy to shut his "nasty mouth" or else she'd kick him off the bus. He shut up.

I hate riding the bus. Now, I get on it with an attitude. I'll probably be stabbed on the bus or punched in the face before I die.

With this guy, though, I felt absolutely fearless. While most homeless guys' bark is much worse than their bite, the guys are still a bit scary when they're mouthing off. In this case, I looked right into the man's eyes and told him, "No, YOU fuck off!" Adrenalin flowing. Wondering what I would do if the man approached me physically, but also prepared to punch him if he punched me.

I'm 50. I have a Master's Degree. I have a father who reads my blog but who has never protected me from anything. My father doesn't think anything of his daughter having to ride buses with nasty, psychotic, drunk guys on a daily basis. Sad.

'The Great Gatsby' (2013)

 

I just saw Baz Luhrmann's "The Great Gatsby" tonight for the first time (with commercials, on AMC). I'd read F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel too young (in my teens) and didn't quite understand the emotional gravitas and heartbreak. Also as a teen, I saw the crappy '70s version with Redford (and his '70s hair) and Farrow, and the ridiculous ennui (so apropos for the '70s and utterly un-apropos of the Roaring Twenties) and hated it -- and so have rather dismissed everything about "Gatsby" for the past 30 years. 

Luhrmann's version, though, was moving and thought-provoking. I first discovered him via his "Moulin Rouge" in 2001 -- I saw it twice in one week, it was THAT good to me. Since then, I'd lost touch with what he'd been doing artistically.

I do tend to mistrust those who attempt to bring a modern sense to a period piece... "Gatsby" is decidedly of the '20s, and decidedly of Fitzgerald. And Luhrmann had a modern soundtrack to this "Gatsby"... But the soundtrack fit in almost seamlessly at Jay Gatsby's decadent parties. Yes, you know it's not "period music," but the "feel," the "mood," is almost exactly right.

And the editing also fit in perfectly. (For example, when the rich characters left their glowing world of West Egg to venture into the more working-class Queens for a night, the Queens World turned to black-and-white, based purely on the characters' perceptions -- a brilliant touch.)

For the first time, after watching Luhrmann's version of "Gatsby," I actually GOT the utter hard-core reality/sadness of what Fitzgerald had been saying... Daisy's (Zelda Fitzgerald's) emotional weakness was horrifying, but honest. Nick Carroway's (Scott Fitzgerald's) breakdown in the face of witnessing this, and his understanding of Jay Gatsby's (Scott Fitzgerald's ID) desires, equally so. The movie made me understand the book and the author more -- that makes it a great movie to me.

 

Football Season

 

Joan Crawford has been a constant in my life since 1987.

The Dallas Cowboys have been a constant in my life since the early '70s.

Sunday night's last-minute win against the Giants in their season opener made me extremely happy --- Romo/Garrett happy! :)

 

 

If I had the money...

...I'd be back in Weehawken. And I do have some money, but not enough to establish myself there again. Back when I moved to NYC in 2007, I trusted myself to Craig's List roomies and the idea that I'd immediately find a job... The 3 roommates I found before getting my own place were all gay and either drink/drunk-addled or nuts. And, aside from one 8-month freelance gig that paid $28 an hour, I never found steady work, enough to pay the expensive rent there.

I was forced back to Austin in 2010, and have since established myself here with a steady job... But I don't particularly want to be here.

I'm definitely not ungrateful for what I have now (a steady job, a decent place), but... this isn't ME. I may be 50, but I'm not dead yet. I'm not quite ready to give up yet.

I want good sandwiches and good pizza and beautiful trees and a beautiful skyline again. I don't want more smoke breaks in parking lots. I don't want my only future to be looking forward to inheriting my mother's house in a subdivision.

That said, this time I'm not leaving any of my furniture or books or CDs behind. A dilemma. (Well, not that much of a dilemma: Get a job lined up up north.)

The Avett Brothers - Open Ended Life

 

 

Pack a change of clothes and a pillow for the road
for when you drift off to sleep
Put the sketches and the notes in the box labeled 'burn with furniture'

We will watch the fire burn the whole entire house we built
down to ashes
From the mirror we'll admire how the flame quickly retires
We won't waste a long goodbye on the smoke or foolish lies
that finally passed us

 

I was taught to keep an open-ended life
And never trap myself in nothing

Let's find something new to talk about
I'm tired of talkin' about myself
I spent my whole life talkin' to convince
everyone that I was something else

 

And the part that kinda hurts is I think it finally worked
and now I'm leaving
I get the feeling things have changed
But the mystery to me is where and when along the way
Did anyone decide that they believed me

 

I was taught to keep an open-ended life
And never trap myself in nothing
I was told to keep an open-ended life
To never trap yourself in nothing

When we settle down in another nowhere town
let's tell our neighbors
We won't be here long and we'll be quiet
but don't go askin' any favors

 

I can't stand the unexpected uninvited visits
from too many strangers
My trust has dwindled down
And I can leave just as abruptly as I came here

I was taught to keep an open-ended life
And never trap myself in nothing
I was taught to keep an open-ended life
To never trap yourself in nothing
I was taught to keep an open-ended life
And never trap myself in nothing

 

Nirvana - Lake Of Fire

Nirvana - Where Did You Sleep Last Night

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_the_Pines

 

The Avett Brothers - Head Full Of Doubt/Road Full Of Promise

 

 

There's a darkness upon me that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell me what's wrong and what's right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I'm frightened by those who don't see it

When nothing is owed, deserved or expected
And your life doesn't change by the man that's elected
If you're loved by someone you're never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it.

There was a dream
One day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid, with a head full of doubt
So I scream til I die or the last of those bad thoughts are finally out

There's a darkness upon you that's flooded in light
In the fine print they tell you what's wrong and what's right
And it flies by day and it flies by night
And I'm frightened by those who don't see it

The Avett Brothers - The Ballad of Love and Hate

 

 

Love writes a letter and sends it to Hate.
"My vacation's ending. I'm coming home late.
The weather was fine and the ocean was great
and I can't wait to see you again."

 

Hate reads the letter and throws it away.
"No one here cares if you go or you stay.
I barely even noticed that you were away.
I'll see you or I won't, whatever."

 

Love sings a song as she sails through the sky.
The water looks bluer through her pretty eyes.
And everyone knows it whenever she flies,
and also when she comes down.

 

Hate keeps his head up and walks through the street.
Every stranger and drifter he greets.
And shakes hands with every loner he meets
with a serious look on his face.

 

Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow.
Carrying with her the good things we know.
A reason to live and a reason to grow.
To trust. To hope. To care.

 

Hate sits alone on the hood of his car.
Without much regard to the moon or the stars.
Lazily killing the last of a jar
of the strongest stuff you can drink.

 

Love takes a taxi, a young man drives.
As soon as he sees her, hope fills his eyes.
But tears follow after, at the end of the ride,
cause he might never see her again.

 

Hate gets home lucky to still be alive.
He screams o'er the sidewalk and into the drive.
The clock in the kitchen says 2:55,
And the clock in the kitchen is slow.

 

Love has been waiting, patient and kind.
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign,
That the one that she cares for, who's out of his mind,
Will make it back safe to her arms.

 

Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door.
Weary head hung down, eyes to the floor.
He says "Love, I'm sorry", and she says, "What for?
I'm yours and that's it, Whatever.
I should not have been gone for so long.
I'm yours and that's it, forever.

You're mine and that's it, forever."

 

 

Songwriters
ROBERT WILLIAM CRAWFORD, TIMOTHY SETH AVETT, SCOTT YANCEY AVETT

 

The Avett Brothers - Morning Song

 

I was just now lying on the couch channel-surfing, trying to go to sleep, when I stopped on "Austin City Limits" and thought, "Well, another boring jam band, whoever they are, will certainly do the trick." Instead, I first got goosebumps and then started bawling at this song! It's beautiful! I'd never even heard of these guys before...

 

 

Hurts so bad, you don't come around here anymore
Worse than that, nothing's really helping
I've been thinking about drinking again

 

It's all right if you've finally stopped caring
Just don't go and tell someone that does
'Cause even though I know there's hope in
every morning song,
I have to find that melody alone

 

Her name became the flame unto the fire
A magpie on a wire warned of those
dead unto the high, shamelessly alive unto the low

 

It's all right if you've finally stopped caring
Just don't go and tell someone that does
'Cause even though I know there's hope in
every morning song,
I have to find that melody alone

 

We can go ahead if no one notices,
what's the point of it? I have to ask
how you learn to see the hope eternally
when you're sure to be leaving last?

 

Hurts so bad, more than I expected that it would
Worse than that, it seems to be lasting
just a little longer than it should

 

It's all right if you've finally stopped caring
Just don't go and tell someone that does
'Cause even though I know there's hope in
every morning song,
I have to find that melody alone

 

I have to sing the melody alone

 

 

Songwriters
SCOTT YANCEY AVETT, ROBERT WILLIAM CRAWFORD, TIMOTHY SETH AVETT

 

In Bed with Kris Jenner

A joke picture posted by Kris Jenner last week on Instagram with actress Jennifer Lawrence. (Joking aside, I find this picture really hot --- I'd actually love to be caught in exactly this position with Kris Jenner!)

 

(p.s. The books are Joan Didion's "Play It As It Lays" and Camus' "The Plague.")

 

 

Apartment, 2015

 

 

 

 

The Donald

OK, don't any lib'rals get all riled up and call me a racist! I bought this to be funny (hey, I don't have a car, so where am I going to put it, plus I'm old enough to remember the Ivana "The Donald" reference back in the '80s), but only partially funny: I actually WILL vote for the man if he comes up with some actual specifics on policy in months to come.

For the time being, I like Trump because he is the only candidate, left or right, that I've heard describe the Iraq/Iran situation accurately: We shouldn't have gone in to unseat Hussein because before we interfered, Hussein's Iraq and the revolutionary Iran were pretty equally counterbalanced and spent their time fighting each other, while simultaneously keeping the radical elements within their countries in check. George W's unseating of Hussein as payback to his daddy has led to utter chaos in the region, the strengthening of Iran, and the strengthening of radical Muslim terrorists. (Neither Jeb Bush nor Hillary Clinton -- who stupidly voted to support the Iraq war to secure her "mainstream-at-the-time" credentials -- will EVER admit that.)

I also like Trump because he's the only one pointing out the incredible weakness of U.S. global trade policies. Countries like China, Japan, and Mexico really ARE getting the better of us economically. (Trump, of German heritage, also points out the ridiculousness of U.S. bases in places like Germany -- an economic powerhouse that can surely afford to pay its own military way.) Trump actually has been making deals with global leaders for decades now -- and, yes, I do trust him more than any other candidate to make intelligent, hard-headed economic deals with other countries.

Trivially, I like Trump for little things like, oh, not backing down from using the phrase "anchor babies." At the New Hampshire town hall last week, a reporter asked him if he was aware that the term was offensive. Trump said, "I didn't know that. What am I supposed to say?" The reporter said something like, "Babies born to undocumented workers who have crossed the border..." Trump: "OK. No. I'm going to say 'anchor babies.'" Now, immediately the social-media response from Hillary, et al., was "They're BABIES." Usually, that would be the case. But NOT when their MOTHERS are INTENTIONALLY crossing the U.S. border to have their babies, to take advantage of the kindly 14th Amendment -- it's these mothers, not Donald Trump, who turned their own babies into political pawns.

Similarly, I refuse to be called a "racist" because I support control of our own borders. As Trump said to Chuck Todd, "Do we have a country or don't we?" (1) If white Canadians were overrunning our border to the north for whatever reason, I'd feel exactly the same way. (2) Mexico, and most other countries, don't have such a policy of allowing anyone born in the country to have automatic citizenship. Why is anyone in the U.S. asking for some similar control of the situation considered to be a "racist"?

I'm not all-in with Trump yet. Like I said, I'm waiting for some actual policy statements on issues other than immigration before I can relax a little -- I'm a bourgeois-wannabe, after all; I need a little order. In the meantime, I deeply resent the current media insinuation that all of those who support Trump are "blue-collar, uneducated males." I'm thinking of having a bumpersticker printed up that says: "Bisexual Women with Masters' Degrees in English for Trump." Catchy, huh?

I used to dance...

And tonight, via "Billie Jean," I found out that I still do. This YouTube clip doesn't do the loudness of my stereo (for 4 minutes) or of my unleashed dance-machine or of the invisible camera filming me justice. Sorry, neighbors. Thanks, though, Michael Jackson and Donald Trump, for the pump-up; I needed it.

 

Joan Crawford, 1932

 

Joan Crawford, 1934

"Ridiculously beautiful."

Fridays with Bernie and Donald

I'm a political geek -- shallowly, not so much the nitty-gritty tedium of policy-making, but rather the process that entails getting someone elected and the policies that these candidates publicly espouse and how people react to them.

Friday, watched Donald Trump's 30,000-people to-do in the Mobile, Alabama, stadium; then later on C-SPAN saw Bernie Sanders' speech (not sure where).

Right now, I would vote for Trump in a second. But I'm also supportive of some of Sanders' stances. Where the two intersect:

Our country's trade policies have been/are disastrous. (Trump and Sanders agree that American companies should not be shipping jobs overseas and that the companies should be penalized for doing so.)

The war in Iraq was disastrous. (As a Senator, Sanders has always voted against this war. Trump has said for years, and just reiterated, that in the past, Iran/Iraq were counterbalanced and that when the US deposed Hussein, we then tilted the balance toward Iran--and, with our recent arms deal, just strengthened Iran's hand even further.)

Where I support Trump in addition to trade policy/Iraq:

Yes, illegal immigration. First, I am sick of preceding any statement on the topic with, "I am not a racist." Were white Canadians flooding our country's border from the north, I would be equally adamant: Don't come here illegally and then expect social services for the next 50 years and other 50 relatives of your life! Were poor Mexicans coming here only for the field-work and then leaving post-season, there wouldn't be an issue. Other countries (such as Germany) have "guest worker" programs that function just fine. But US illegals often stay --- and start draining our country's social services.

Where I support Sanders in addition to trade policy/Iraq:

A living wage. Anyone working 40 hours a week should not be living in poverty. Our country's current minimum wage is $7.25 an hour. That's $290 per week, $1160 per month. Unless you live in a cave or hovel, you can't pay for rent/food/utilities on that. Many people aren't so-called "skilled" workers and must work in low-paying industries. They shouldn't have to suffer for that or ask for welfare for that. Ironically, because "Industry" won't pay higher wages, low-wage workers must then apply for Government aid to survive.

I also agree with Sanders that our country needs a single-payer health-care system via Medicare. Currently, workers are reliant on their specific employers for health-care. I currently work for my state and so have good health-care coverage. Years ago, though, I moved to New York City and tried my luck there, temping for years, and temping for years more once I moved back to Texas. A period of 7 years when I was completely uncovered by any health-care plan. Luckily, I did not break a leg or get cancer. Had the former happened, I'd have had thousands added to my debt; had the latter happened, I'd be dead. Those "penalties" for things beyond one's control -- as opposed to one's laziness -- seem harsh. And the current practice of being absolutely beholden to one's job for health-care services seems predatory and ridiculous.

Being beholden to one's job for anything other than a weekly/monthly paycheck, including health-care, also brings to mind a larger question: WHY is "the system" set up for citizens to be beholden to a COMPANY for anything other than the paycheck? A company's practices are so utterly capricious and random... Why shouldn't the government of a society provide a BASIC safety net funded by the taxes that we all pay? We're not cave people, after all, forced individually to hunt for basic sustenance and crawl off to die when injured like an animal. We have, since then, allegedly developed a process for governance and such a concept as "society."