This kind of thing

After not speaking to my mother for over 3 years, I was feeling sentimental in early 2020 and, aside from sentimentality, was being realistic: My mother is in her later years. Do I really want to go to a couple of graves (mine and hers) having not spoken to her ever again? No, I did/do not.

Brought her flowers for Mother's Day. Sat and chatted for about 2 hours. It was fine. But at 54, having chosen who I want to be around, and what vibes I want to get, I can't get over some of the low-level ugliness that just can't help but ooze out of her.

For example: We were chatting re my teenaged nephew, who currently likes to shop at Goodwill. I mentioned that I don't like buying Goodwill clothes, but that I do buy used shirts on eBay, or buy from half-off sales on the Chico's website. Chico's shirts, I mentioned, were usually $60 to $80, which I had qualms about spending for a shirt. I happened to have on a Chico's shirt that I'd bought on sale, and pointed that out.

Mom: "THAT is a $40 shirt?"

I'd thought that my shirt looked nice. I tried to be cool and not start a fight: "Yes, this shirt was $60 or more to begin with, I can't remember exactly, and I got it on sale for half off. That's how much shirts cost now. When you go to buy shirts, how much are they?"

She admitted she didn't buy many new shirts. I added: "The only shirts for $20 are at Target."

Today, I spoke to her on the phone. Talk turned to getting older. My mom has a hunched back that's been in progress for over 30 years. I've never said anything about it, but it's a huge scoliosis C-curve. During our conversation today, she pointed out my own poor posture and said that because I also have a hunched back, I would be in pain the way she is... (1) My back isn't anywhere near as hunched as hers! (2) My back has never given me pain. Again, I tried to deflect by saying, "Well, my back has never given me pain so far, but I am worried about my cracked tail-bone, because it hurts in cold weather..."

I'd also mentioned that I was in touch with my uncle on Facebook, and I said how positive he was, and that I really liked him. Mom: "He was always sneaky."

There is ALWAYS something that she tries to make me feel bad about. It's insane. I used to think it was partly me. It's not me.

But I've made the acknowledgment with myself that I DO want to have a relationship with my mother, especially now during her later years. But even after 3 years of not talking to her, it is so incredibly strange that she is still taking jabs at me for no reason. I'm 54 years old! She's 79! It's so creepy, and the vibe is so immediately bad when she STILL says her weird, negative shit. I really am trying to be bigger --- this is, for sure, a test of any "growth in consciousness" that I might ever hope to reach.