"Integrity can be a lonely business."

At a morning meeting Thursday, I was openly impatient with my boss. She's a nice person, and all she said to me was, "Let me finish." But then I "had to" respond with, "I'm sorry I'm irritating you, but I'm just trying to ask a question." The six others in the small room sat in uncomfortable silence. After the meeting adjourned, one of my office friends stopped by. He started gingerly, but then got to the point: "What were you thinking in there?" He basically told me that I had been disrespectful, and I told him that I knew it and felt guilty about it, but that things had built up and I just couldn't help myself.

It's complicated. I work at a state job, where there are some "lifers," and I get frustrated with the low level of gumption and the low, mediocre standards. Although I am 53, I'm still not at the end of the line, work-wise. I'm not just hanging around this particular joint 'til I reach retirement age. I'm still trying to be better and to make work processes better. The latter not popular among the lifers. (My boss isn't a lifer; she's only been there 10 years. But she doesn't like to make waves. She doesn't call out any lifer for their mediocrity or sloppy work. Which I constantly have to correct.)

At any rate, I've been feeling frustrated at work. The frustration burst out today. I felt bad for being rude. But then I read my daily Yahoo Lifestyle horoscope, which shows up on my main Yahoo page when I check my mail:

You can't help but be somewhat of a rabble-rouser at work today, despite your own desire to be otherwise. On some level, your behavior is not entirely your fault. Others are locked into their comfort zones, but you're only comfortable when things are working optimally, and quality is assured. However, productivity might be on the decline and you're wondering what's going on with the team. Although you're prepared to do whatever it takes to achieve excellence, you're not appreciative of the resistance that some give you for your vigilance. Integrity can be a lonely business. 

Yes, usually such horoscopes are about 90 percent generic. But today it happened to make precise sense to me. I never get positive reinforcement from any actual people in my life, but this bit of text from a stranger was psychologically astute: (1) Being confrontational then guilt afterwards. (2) History behind my overt irritation. (3) Irritation because others are not doing their jobs right and because they (of course) resist when being called on their slacking. (4) "Integrity can be a lonely business," indeed. People don't like being called on their shit. (I admit my own "shit" constantly, both personally and at work, so, no, I'm not being a hypocrite.)  The latter gave me particular strength, so I'll say it again: Integrity can be a lonely business. 

No one has ever said that to me before. I live in Austin, which is San Francisco Lite, so most always say to me, "Relax," or "You need to chill," or "Don't take things so seriously," or "Why are you so worried about it?" No one has ever said to me: "I admire your integrity."