Trying to be grateful, trying not to be bored

At 53, with a good-paying job of 5 years and with an apartment-full of new kittens, I've pretty much given up on trying for anything drastically new. Meaning mainly, I suppose, a move back to New York. My time to move back to New York was in 2012/13 when I was back in Austin in a $575-per-month studio apartment and at one point was living so cheaply and had $10,000 in the bank from freelance work. Too emotionally drained then to do anything but stay put, though.

Today, I've got a ton of stuff that I don't want to give up (after giving up everything in 2007 to move to New York and then slowly, painfully rebuilding post-2010). And my job and its pay isn't something to lightly toss away. Still, though, I have been feeling stagnant for months now.

In decades past when feeling stagnant, I would make moves both drastic and mediocre: "Drastic" = Moving to San Francisco in 1994 to get my graduate degree; and moving to NYC in 2007 to try to find publishing work and experience the city. "Mediocre" = Quitting a job or changing apartments. I think I'm past both the "Drastic" and "Mediocre" stages. So what, then, to do? Live feeling like this ("blah") for the rest of my life? I really don't want to spend the rest of my life doing nothing but working at and then retiring from a cushy-but-mediocre state job. But then I also don't want to struggle financially any more, the way I did for years. Perhaps the simple solution is: Try to find a job that I'm happier at, and that also pays better. People change jobs all the time in an orderly fashion, sans drama or ill feelings, yet with, perhaps, a sense of excitement about the new. I'm scared, though. After so much turmoil in the past, I feel secure now with my job. Not "happy," but "secure." Ten years ago, I had nothing to lose when I felt like a change. Today, though, I have a lot to lose.

This week's horoscope from Rob Brezsny gives me a sort-of hint that the Wild Universe is not yet completely closed off to me:

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Leo poet Stanley Kunitz told his students, "You

must be very careful not to deprive the poem of its wild origin." That's

useful advice for anyone who spawns anything, not just poets. There's

something unruly and unpredictable about every creative idea or fresh

perspective that rises up in us. Do you remember when you first felt the

urge to look for a new job or move to a new city or search for a new kind

of relationship? Wildness was there at the inception. And you needed to

stay in touch with the wildness so as to follow through with practical

action. That's what I encourage you to do now. Reconnect with the wild

origins of the important changes you're nurturing.