Guilt

I've got 5 cats, and this morning the only boy, Pete, got too wild and jumped up on a table with plants on it and knocked over one plant to the ground---the planter was plastic and OK, but the succulent plant in it was split in half and ruined. Plus there was a lot of dirt everywhere.

I yelled at him like a maniac, in my meanest voice, and chased him out of the room. In doing so, I scared every cat in the house (except for Sasha, who is usually pretty cool, unless I try to take her to the vet; she stayed right where she was). About 20 minutes later, Pete ventured back out of the bedroom to where I was in the living room. TOO SOON. I was still pissed and looked him in the eye and yelled at him again and stomped my foot until he raced back to the bedroom, where he then stayed for hours, as did the rest of the cats.

I felt like a horrible creep. And, yes, it flashed me back to my childhood, whenever my father was in a nasty mood and we all (my mom and me and younger brother) had to walk on eggshells around him.

I think that, yes, I should have gotten mad at Pete for knocking over the plant. But when he crept out 20 minutes later, I don't think I should have terrorized him again---just because I was still mad and it felt good to yell again. (Scary how good it felt to yell again.)

Made me glad I didn't have kids. Or if I HAD had to deal with kids, maybe I'd have realized that sometimes you lost your temper?

I think there's a happy medium between my father/mother and regular behavior. My father was both verbally and physically abusive. My mother was classic passive/aggressive: When she was mad at you, she'd just ignore you (the story of most of my life).

I'm happy to say that at least I just stomped my foot at Pete and yelled and never touched him (I would NEVER hit any of my cats); and I'm also happy to say that hours later, he came back to be petted, and I petted him and apologized for being mean. But still: I felt I'd been abusive to him. And I don't want a house where my cats are scared of me, as they all were today.