After reading the full text of "gym killer" George Sodini's blog, I was at first horrified at the similarities that I saw between us: lonely and blogging in an attempt to communicate; no sex for a long time (though, it's been less than 20 years for me!); griping about what hypocrites/idiots people were; saying we didn't get along with our parents...
And then, oh my god: Just days ago, I was writing about a shooting dream I'd had! And I mentioned the idea of suicide a couple of months ago! It creeped me out: "What if I'm psychotic like this guy???" (Julie, I do NOT want to hear any comment from you!) :)
I remember feeling the same way when I first saw the movie "Taxi Driver" years ago. The fictional Travis Bickle went way off the deep end, but I still had moments of sympathy for him, because his loneliness was so palpable, and because I'd felt that desperate at times... "What if I go crazy like that??"
The same with the real-life George Sodini. While his blog obsession with "20-year-old hoes" was decidedly UNsympathetic, I still could relate to his feelings of loneliness and isolation.
What ticked me off, though, was the last few blog entries: The fucker just got a raise and promotion on July 20! And he wrote, "Every person just wants to be fucking nice and say nice things to me." And then there was a day when he was feeling bad about himself, but "unfortunately, talked to a neighbor, who is always upbeat and positive." Unfortunately, that put him in a better mood!
Gee, wish that I had the "problems" of a raise and promotion, and people being too nice to me! ;p Cry me a river, pally.
Reading his blog reminded me of a sociology class that I took back at UT. (Oh geez. The class was called "Death and Dying." God, everything I write on this blog looks more and more psychotic!) :)
ANYWAY, one statistic I learned there about old-age depression I've always remembered: In old age, the MOST satisfied (least suicidal) socioeconomic group is poor black women. The LEAST satisfied (most suicidal) is middle-class white men. Why? Because poor black women were used to not ever getting anything, not having any status. So once they hit old age, it wasn't that big of a transition for them. Whereas with the well-off white guys, in their prime they had been used to being treated with respect and deference, and the status loss in retirement was a huge shock to their fragile little psyches.
Some of Sodini's blog writings reminded me of this phenomenon. He saw other middle-aged white guys (and young black guys) getting lots of young, attractive white college women. And he felt ENTITLED to what they had. He had a good job, he whitened his teeth, he worked out, he wasn't an asshole like his brother/father/the church guy... WHY wasn't he getting lucky???
Judging from the few seconds of his "house tour" video that I watched, the answer to that is probably: "You've got a weird, boring personality, Dude." I'm being too glib, but as one cable newswoman commented: "He probably could have gotten himself a nice, slightly overweight librarian in her 40s if he'd wanted to." That, too, is extremely glib, but it's nonetheless true: He was obsessed with college-aged girls, but couldn't get any as he aged because his personality sucked. Did he look elsewhere? Did he really want female companionship, someone he could talk to, or did he want the "status" of sleeping with hot college girls? Seems like only the latter...
As for his complaints of datelessness: Hey, even when I was 20, a "hot college girl" myself who could have been out partying, I could occupy myself for a full Saturday night going through my Norton Anthology of Poetry and figuring out stats for which astrology signs were best represented by the authors. And I had quite a fun time doing it! Because I grew up in the country, where I had to learn to amuse myself, even as a kid. (Call it the "poor black woman syndrome": I had very little and when I now get very little, it's disappointing... but not horribly shocking to my psyche.)
Sometimes, all you've got is your own odd little preoccupations. (Can anyone say "Joan Crawford website"?):) Which will stand you in good stead in the long-run. (Note I didn't say "SEXUAL preoccupations"!) Gotta have something mental or soul-inspiring: art, music, literature, travel, history, science, religion... Any sort of STUDY and recognition of other things beyond your self, to get you to move beyond your own very, very tiny significance in the grand scheme of things.
You're a part of the Universe, but the Universe could care less if you got fucked last night.